Happie Micah Edwards

Transcript

I'm 8 years old and I'm on the playground and I'm excited because it's almost my turn to be the brown girl in the ring. Cha la. Then one of the boys walked by and says, "Why are you doing that with the girls?" Pauline, big daughter. My mommy's name is Pauline. So they're calling me a girl. I feel like I'm doing something wrong. And I realized that I need to be different. So as I grow older, I try to be as straight as possible.

I walk straight. I wear the straightest clothes, like pants that don't even fit me the slightest. I can't look gay and I can't be a gay because if I am, that means I'm going to burn in hell. I'm told this at church on Sundays and I hear it in the dance hall songs. It's like boom bye bye. 14 years later, I'm in downtown Toronto in the summer and I'm wearing a crop top, some booty shorts, strutting through the streets. Now that I am in Canada and I have applied for refugee status, flamboyance has been fully unleashed.

Then a car drives past with the windows down and somebody shouts, "Bon a fire upon a batty boy. Burn gay man with fire. My heart starts pounding. I feel this tightness in my stomach and beads of sweat on my shoulders. And I feel like I can't breathe. I have this piercing sensation like somebody's found me out because they understand what I fundamentally know to be true. There is something wrong with me. I used to think it was because I was gay.

And then I came out and started going to gay bars. And even though there were supposed to be places for people like me, I would still feel like I don't belong here because maybe I don't belong anywhere. 14 years after arriving in Canada, I'm sitting in this big room with a diversity of people at our citizenship ceremony. I'm feeling grateful, but also I hate these uptight formalities, so I'm rolling my eyes. But then the judge says something I'll never forget. Citizenship is not what grants you belonging.

No matter where you're from or what you have done, you belong here. Now go live that way. Tears flood my eyes. My hands are shaking. But I'm not afraid. In his words, I recognized in myself the underdog who risked it all to live in truth. I belong here. I belong everywhere. Two weeks later, I'm on a bike wearing a purple dress and uh listening to Beethoven. When I stop at a red light, suddenly I feel an energy to my right. So I turn and I see a guy standing there swaying slightly with his mouth open.

So I pull my headphones out and I say, "Sorry." And he says, "Bonafi boy." My heart starts pounding. I feel this tightness in my stomach and beads of sweat on my shoulders. But straight away my stomach relaxes and that sweat turns into euphoria and I I'm like, I've been recognized, celebrated. So I turn to him and I say, "Thank you." And is there anything else? He looks confused and like I'm also confused. Then his friend comes over and says, "Oh, no problems here."

and walks him up the street. The light changes. I'm biking along. My body is still heightened but not frightened. My heart is thumping but I'm not thinking about danger. All I'm thinking about is how I feel liberated. I realize the judge it was right. In order for me to belong wherever I am, I need no validation. If you ever feel like you don't belong, try this right now. Take a breath. Notice the voice in your head that tells you you don't belong.

Now shift from the voice to the sensation of your breathing. Shift from thinking to the awareness in your body. Your body is here. It needs no validation to be here. You don't need the opinions of other people to accept yourself. We don't need anyone or anything to grant us belonging. No matter where you're from or what you have done, you belong here. Now go live that way.

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Transcript

first i want to start off with because i'm a bit nervous i'm going to start off with a quote that always grounds me and it's from ralph waldo emerson and he says to be yourself in a world that's constantly trying to change trying to make you into something else is the greatest accomplishment you know i've been really i didn't want to do this at first because i feel like my views they're usually um lopsided you know and i said you know what this is a great opportunity to share from a perspective of a human being who exists in the cracks of society why i say

i exist in this crisis societies because i fall into a unique intersectionality that's usually you know not really spoken about you know and we get to view life in a certain way that gives a different perspective around how human beings show up and i was thinking the other day of you know i'm so proud of us as human beings everyone on this call you know everyone in this world we have advanced so far in technology and human evolution that we've gone to the moon more than once i think we even touched mars a little bit too we have gone to the depths of the ocean

you know wow intelligent human beings we are yet on this planet we still can't get along with each other you know i was looking at a experience that i had and that shifted my whole relationship to race to sexuality to gender expression and equality in human beings it shifted the whole thing and it was the lesson that homophobia taught me you know growing up in jamaica homophobia was my was my racism because in jamaica you know majority of us are of the same skin complexion however homophobia is everywhere and as a little boy a little six-year-old boy i can remember the first time i got

humiliated because of my expression my feminine expression and i remember in that moment feeling like yo i need to get rid of this evil that permeates my country my island jamaica and i never forgot that so fast for me living in toronto i'm gaining power and gaining strength in my voice and my communication i'm only who i am even more and speaking out proudly and one of my stand was to eliminate homophobia it was such a passionate stand that i couldn't see that i was poisoning on my own self and my own aliveness and my own health because i couldn't see that you know homophobia

existed me too the thing that i'm fighting the most exists within me too because homophobia was something that i was born into the people who are homophobic towards me who look like me were born into this phenomenon of homophobia and i remember one day i went on this video shoot with my friend um john artheus and he had this album called goat life and we were doing a music video and he said mike i'm inviting you to just be your full self we just want you to be yourself and i remember showing up at that music video and i'm a bit skeptical about being my

full self you know and i remember that music video went so well and in the night this gentleman came to me and he said yo mo i talked to you and that's part of it to say i want to talk to you immediately i'm not wondering what did i do wrong so when he started speaking to me he said you know what this morning i came in here and i saw you and i saw how you were behaving and immediately i said i am not going to spend my whole day with this batty man and for people who don't know what batman means it means

disgusting [ __ ] and he looked at me in the eyes and this is a problem of jamaican man he said but when i observed you throughout the whole day i realized that you're a human being to have someone that i'm usually scared of you know usually feel threatened in their presence because of homophobia to have someone say that oh their minds just shift because they realize that i'm a human being and i'm sure you do as well but here's the thing in that moment what i learned in that moment i said to him i didn't do anything and he said to me that's the

thing you are just being yourself here's what i wasn't doing anymore i wasn't being terrified of homophobia anymore i wasn't being terrified of other people anymore what they would think of me i was giving someone space to see that yo i am a human being too and i think that's what's missing as adani said as if we can't sense each other as a humanity then what's the point of all of us being here what's the point of the fight if the fight that we are fighting is keeping the light the same thing that we're fighting against what's the purpose of the fight you know what

i am very clear about i'm clear that my stand comes from a stand of humanity a stand that will remind our generations that are coming that you know what as human beings we have advanced in our evolution so far where we can look into ourselves and confront confront all of the ways that we think people are supposed to be and confront why we're threatened by other people because here's the thing racism homophobia all of the oppressive things they're the same thing just giving them a different name but they all suck and all i'm saying that to you all here too is that i invite you

to take a stand not for change not for reforming a system or a structure that doesn't work at the foundation however i invite you to think about our children and our youth this is a time right now we're given a very unique opportunity to complete and utterly totally transform what it's like to be a human being where george floyd's six-year-old daughter can walk around the world being exactly who she is where adonis can go into any store and buy whatever he wants without being searched because of his color of his skin if we won't do it for ourselves think about your children think about the

young people we all have a part to play we all have a part to play but make sure that part that you're playing comes from light and that's what i'm doing over here doing my best to come from light as best as possible let's start shifting the narrative we're all necessary we all play an invaluable part right here on this planet i love you all and thank you for existing you

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let's get together and feel all right Bob Marley inspired the world through his music his themes of equality freedom and love moved the world to a kind of place Reena judges friends I grew up just on the road from where Bob Marley found his voice in Jamaica I danced in the constant sunshine I have bananas from the neighbourhood treason and I was routinely and violently called a disgusting [ __ ] I am NOT a disgusting [ __ ] I am unnatural homosexual but the words this thing the sting Marley promised the freedom we're being who you are could not just be tolerated it could be

celebrated and for me that utopia was right here in Toronto in Toronto my being gender-fluid was comfortable for most but I faced a new hatred one day I was just riding the subway when I was attacked and called a [ __ ] [ __ ] I am not now nor have I ever be in a [ __ ] but the pain the words conjured we're almost unbearable the sting the sting some of you perceive me as a man in touch with his feminine side some of you perceive me as a woman a woman in need of a few beauty tips just a few just a

few you are all wrong I am neither I am both I have known strong and powerful dualities to the violent homophobia in my native Jamaica to the poisonous venom of racism right here in Canada I live every day of my life inside a duality of manhood and womanhood in almost perfect balance and I wear the duality of the character I have created that you all know as happy with a clownish urge to fire will it spread my doctrine of happiness to all of you I know and all of you that I hope to know while trying to balance a seriousness of purpose a seriousness of

purpose to urge you out of whatever caves you may still be hiding in we may not live in sunshine every day here in Toronto but we can feel the warmth of human spirit I now realize at the apex of all our dualities is a singular one one humanity one common purpose

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trust in spirit let's go on an adventure let us all just take a few deep breaths let's imagine you found a treasure chest and when we opened there with your gifts and talents and we're so happy and content we start to come up with a plan for how we're gonna use it to inspire and uplift this nation you see we are going to beat up a hunt for our dreams we start the journey and it's easy but sometimes there are rocks but we have to hurt a bit to get what we want I don't need to learn September 1st my first they had the CD

I met a boy and we fell in love my happy fairytale but why do we fall in love so easy even when it's not right we moved it together but the fairy tale the last you're such a useless you're so stupid whereas to her this right here is the first time we got physical the abuse the rape the shame it was just so much pain eventually I broke up with him but he broke me I was just so lost and confused I just didn't know what to do I begged please God save me show me the way I cried and I beg I beg to

feel something just not all my pain I begged to feel God I begged I just faked to feel beautiful again they say seek and ye shall find I got an email and the email suggested her event called reason nation a spiritual tribe for conscious entrepreneurs I look to God I said is this what you're really centimeter I decided to go I showed up late because I took forever to get dressed all black everything or my human wounds on I got to Scarborough Bluffs 30 minutes late I didn't see anyone and look to the skies the Sun was shining so brightly said why am I even

doing here trust in spirit my child I started to explore the Scarborough Bluffs strutting down the hill I realized I'm not dressed for this I thought lad and he sent a recent nation my stomach got so many butterflies I ran toward the Sun and I saw them to sit in there and I'm like this I'm definitely not dressed for this they were all wearing workout clothes I walked up they welcomed me and I was at home we prayed and meditated and got inspired by Thomas be sharing his experience afterwards it's the first time in my entire life that I felt God after I met Marcus

Mendoza the first speakers Lambchop to you during our conversation he looked at me and he said you're such a majestic being I said thank you and for the first time in months I felt beautiful after a couple of weeks later I wanted to speak us now one of my best friends AJ we took her seat and arena came over introduced herself bubbling with enthusiasm she said do you have a passion to get on stage I thought the butterflies in my stomach and I said trust in spirit I said yes yes I do I walked up on stage so nervous my hands sweating and she had

a point my Road and the crowd cheered and I felt at home in this very spot I had the best orgasm of my life I found my treasure I bought my gift from God my voice and I felt so alive now I'm gonna use that voice that gift my story and I'm gonna inspire a nation to genuinely smile and have a great time living their lives without the pain without that step of journey without the abuse without me being lost I wouldn't have found my gift my voice I just the big spirit and I found my gift and you can do the same thing too

so set sail with purpose and trust in spirit that guides you and discover the treasure that awaits you thank you

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