Karen Porter

Transcript

it was April 22nd 2022 and my husband was taking me to the place and I knew I didn't like it I'd been to this place before he was constantly looking over at me Karen Stay With Me Karen he was driving really fast blasting through those yellow lights and he ran through a red he parked out front and rushed me inside I was barely coherent but I could see a lot of people someone was asking me what was it how many they took me to the room I was hooked up to a ton of wires I was wearing the ugly gown Craig by my side the

room was small with a floor-to-window ceiling and there was a police officer outside looking in at me I felt like such a criminal every time this happened it would start with anxiety and then insomnia and then my brain just didn't function properly foreign why can't I handle this everyone else can do it why am I so defective as a health and wellness coach I thought I was doing everything right and every time it happened I learned something and brought it into my lifestyle and shared it in my coaching practice I didn't think it would happen again I truly didn't but it did and it defeated

me mentally emotionally spiritually and physically and I had coveted now I was locked in my room with my defective brain locked in my head I begged for Craig to help get me out he was homesick with covet himself he brought me home and I was down to a hundred pounds my all-time low the self-loathing continued but Greg kept on loving me even when and especially when I didn't love myself I was at home taking an online program through the hospital for two hours a day but what was I going to do with myself the rest of the time I had put my coaching practice on

pause but I couldn't relax I looked around the house I've got to clean this I've got to organize that I just was not thinking properly I was overwhelmed I had tried to do everything that I could I tried to do things that I thought would help me I met a friend for coffee and then another but it wasn't helping months went by and I was not myself but maybe myself as I remembered was not my best self at all eventually I went back to my health coaching practice hoping that maybe if I was helping other people that I could get out of my own head

but three months in and I was struggling I was anxious and miserable and I contemplated quitting altogether but how could I stop entirely what I thought was my life's purpose my identity I truly was a failure I found solace and some help with two women in my community after trying so many things everything they helped me look at my childhood conditioning my life patterns my rules for living and they helped me soften those rules you see my rules made me strive to constantly be successful at any and all cost I just kept going grinding it out it's like I was driving but I wasn't paying

attention to the traffic lights the yellows that said Slow the hell down or the Reds that said stop or risk death I needed to follow those traffic lights and pay better attention I needed to slow down or stop when life told me to I needed to reassess my values my values of authenticity and passion optimism and gratitude and always always loving deeply as someone who has experienced Mental Health debilitating anxiety and suicidal depression I can tell you that there is hope the key to personal transformation is always always listening to yourself working on your body but also working on your brain and always always watching

the traffic lights

Transcript generated from the recording and lightly cleaned. Some names and wording may differ from the spoken speech.

Transcript

I stepped onto that stage with fear and anxiety pulsating through my body my mouth was dry my heart was pounding and my stomach was doing backflips i was blinded by the lights but i was painfully aware that the audience was packed with people many who knew me professionally but they didn't really know me i struggled to hold back the tears never was this a story that i meant to share but i was about to compete in my first ever speaking competition only for me it wasn't about the joy of speaking or the thrill of competing it was a deep-rooted need i had to share my

personal story and be seen and heard in my truth and all at once all of the pain that had crippled me almost my entire life was about to be revealed the words came rushing out of me and i knew i'd never be able to take them back i stood frozen in the realization that i had just shared my 30-year battle with ibs and all of the ugly hidden truths that went along with it the unspoken pain and constipation the diarrhea and the running to the washroom and what often went hand in hand with the digestive issues that i didn't know back then was anxiety and

depression and i had debilitating bouts of both of them but what was even worse were the times that i tried to get out of my pain those shameful secrets that i kept locked away for fear that if anyone knew or found out the perfect facade of my life would come crumbling down and then who would i be i finished my speech in a blur and i made my way off the stage i was greeted with hugs and and tears and gratitude for sharing my story it felt good i felt good but when the winners were announced my name wasn't called i felt the sting burn

through my body and it wasn't the fact that i hadn't won a prize but the fact that i'd ripped myself open wide open and for what i made my way off the stage put on my mask pretended that everything was okay i congratulated the winners and i got out of there that night and the immediate days that followed i felt raw and sad and broken i knew i'd have to get out of that slump and eventually i did within a week i received a copy of my video there was no way i was going to put that out there it took me three months and

all the courage that i had just to share it with my family my dad he was the hardest to tell he couldn't relate to depression he'd say pull your socks up just keep yourself busy well eventually i posted my video and the emotional messages came pouring in i'd cry over and over again just reading them and finally realizing why i'd shared my story it wasn't about my flaws and imperfections it was about vulnerably sharing a human experience and wow did people relate some connected with my story and others just to the courage that it took me to share it and for me just thinking that

i could help one person with my story well that meant the world to me this whole experience was life-changing for me throughout my life i'd often tried to push outside my comfort zone getting comfortable with the uncomfortable is where i grew and those experiences where i pushed through my self-doubt and feelings of inadequacy is where my self-worth really stretched i learned that each person's self-worth is shaped through their own personal journey through each relationship each challenge and each opportunity to push outside our comfort zone we grow and evolve and shape-shift i've learned that with risk there is reward with discomfort there is growth and every

single step i took to being a better version of myself i loved myself a little bit more and it's as though now i can look into a mirror stare into my soul and say finally i love you for endearing i love you for pushing through the pain and mostly i love you for never giving up you

Transcript generated from the recording and shown as captured, without added punctuation. Some names and wording may differ from the spoken speech.

Transcript

have you ever had one of those days when you just felt so shitty you didn't want to get out of bed for 30 years I felt like [ __ ] you see I had a great life but what brought me to my knees was life itself more than once I wrote the note it said I love you all I'm so sorry when Robin Williams committed suicide the world was shocked and wondering why he had it all but I understood because that was me I had everything wonderful husband beautiful children but behind my beautiful life was a secret then until today has never been told and

it's hard to understand it's even foreign to me now but I was a prisoner in my own mind in addition to the debilitating bouts of depression for 30 years I suffered with IBS irritable bowel syndrome they say everything starts in the gut and it's so true in my life there were highs but there were many bad lows and often I was left hanging on a thread I should do I should be oh I should have I was freakin [ __ ] all over myself but the anxiety and diarrhea took over my life I was always on the hunt for a washroom even those gross gas

station washrooms became my Savior funny most people can't live without their Tim Hortons coffee I couldn't live without their washroom and on the drive to take my daughter to school in the morning there were many mornings when I couldn't make it we'd have to stop she'd be late for school again and I would run into that Tim Hortons and plow down any of those coffee lovers that in the way of me and not bathroom but the gut-wrenching pain combined with a gut-wrenching anxiety turned into sleepless nights and days of hell it's like an emotional avalanche it starts out with a hairline crack in the foundation

one that you can't even see and then there's rumblings underneath of dread doubt worried and not good enough and then the crack gets bigger and bigger and that's when it happens your whole world falls apart and then you just so desperately wish that the crack would open up wide enough so you could be swallowed whole lost forever disappear the fear of failing at everything became the broken record that played over and over in my mind I'm a bad mother I'm a horrible wife I suck at my job I just can't do this life I felt so out of control I worried and obsessed about everything

even in my home everything had to be in its order in its place but behind the closet doors it was a mess and that was a metaphor for my life I remember waking up in the hospital wishing desperately that it was just a bad dream but it wasn't I'd been hospitalized for attempting to take my life and over the course of my life this would happen four times the last time being two days before my daughter's high school graduation when I was writing this talk there were so many parts of it that made me sick to my stomach but I knew that the truth had

to be told because my truth could be someone else's truth my worst episodes landed me in the hospital for a week or more and months of outpatient care and eventually I would better but I would never look back I would block out the months of mental and emotional anguish disassociating myself from the experience from the self-imposed stigma from society stigma even a nurse at the hospital said to me how could you do such a thing you have children people say it's a selfish act but the truth is it's not a rational mind that attempts to take their life the last time it happened I knew

I had to look back I had to heal because what if next time no one was there to save me I learned and I shared a little bit I learned that it's not your fault that it's not just about willpower or willing yourself to think differently it's about the power of belief back then I doubted myself I wasn't enough I wasn't worthy I cocooned myself I didn't ask for help but in my healing I learned how to turn the power of belief around the truth is I am good enough I am worthy and there's no one else in the world like me and that's an

amazing thing the power of belief can work with you or against you and I practice it daily now and as hard as it is to share my deepest darkest secrets with you it is amazing it's brought me to where I am today the best part of life is that my closets are still a mess and I don't care because I love life

Transcript generated from the recording and lightly cleaned. Some names and wording may differ from the spoken speech.