Deborah Fletcher

Transcript

We discovered that one of our identical twin daughters, just 3 weeks old, had cysts in her brain while we were in the neonatal ICU. And that this would likely result in some kind of impairment of motor skills. We stumbled to our daughters and cried while they slept. This was not what I expected when I gave birth. I found out I was pregnant with twins at my first ultrasound. The coach said, " The doctor mentioned something about twins, so why are there two in there?"

I started laughing hysterically and couldn't stop, lying there with tears streaming down to my ears. I felt especially special when I was pregnant with them. I felt doubly blessed. When they were 6 months old, after some very thorough tests, we received the final diagnosis of cerebral palsy. And we learned that our daughter Quinn would be severely disabled. Currently, at 25 years old, she has no fine or gross motor skills and uses a wheelchair. She is nonverbal. She is fed exclusively through a gastric tube in her stomach.

Quinn also has a very cute smile and a funny personality. She loves boys, loves music, and loves the Toronto Maple Leafs. During those early years, I had some very difficult days and nights. I lay in bed with tears streaming down to my ears. I lamented the future and the idea of ​​not knowing what her life would be like, or my life, for that matter. When they were babies, I sometimes found it difficult not to feel sad. I used to take them for walks down the main street of our neighborhood in their double stroller.

And whenever I saw another double stroller coming towards me, I always had to look inside it. I needed to know who the passengers were. It's like when you have a toothache and you keep picking at it with your tongue. Most of the time it was two siblings, you know, one 1 year old and the other 3. But what if it was a pair of healthy and happy twins? The juxtaposition between what I had and what could have been was devastating. If they were twins, in particular, I would place an imaginary knife against my heart.

If they were twins, I'd stab them with that knife. And if it were a pair of identical twins, the knife would be plunged deep inside. Pain overwhelmed me, and sometimes I cried. Until one day, I'm pushing my double stroller down the street, and I see another double stroller coming towards me. And this time, a voice in my head said, "Just don't look." And then, I didn't look at the cart, and there was no pain. And I thought, "Wow." I remember smiling and even laughing out loud.

I've had this ability all along to shift my focus away from something I found painful. I taught my little technique to my daughter Emma. When they were about 9 or 10 years old, she suddenly realized that her sister was different. And sometimes, when we went out in public, people would stare, and she didn't like that. She gave those poor people the ugliest look she could possibly get. So, I told her about the "just don't look" thing. I said, "You know, honey, you don't need to check if they 're looking at your sister.

You have a choice. Then you won't feel angry. You won't feel defensive. Just don't look." She eventually put this into practice and stopped killing people with her deadly stares, for the most part. That little voice in my head came to me almost 23 years ago, and I've been following that advice ever since. Do I need to follow an ex-boyfriend on Instagram? Just don't look. No. Maybe I could look. I'm just going to take a peek. Can you help me think of all the things that could go wrong?

Just don't look. Or when I wear a sleeveless top, I notice that the skin under my armpit jiggles as if it's trying to hail a taxi. What should I do? Did someone tell you to do push-ups? Because it would have been very mean of you to say that. We all have that little voice inside us. We have the power to choose where to focus. So, if there's something you know won't do you any good or that might even cause you pain, just don't look at it.

Thanks.

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