Diane Sorensen

Transcript

it was a chilly South Dakota morning we were dressed in our Sunday best I was wearing my new Green Spring dress with the white collar I looked impeccable but I dreaded coming to church because that meant my mother was going to be on edge and hovering over me like a dark shadow as we walked down the church aisle I could feel the eyes watching judging I had knots in my stomach and my hands were wet with sweat as my mother sat down beside me my sister leaned over and she whispered something in my ear and we both giggled cutting that tension and then I could

feel my mother's Nails digging into me as she squeezed my arm and I trembled inside terrified we sat still and quiet obedient this grooming started at a very early age at home with church practice I would sit Frozen as my mother has shh don't you dare speak a word don't move a muscle and if we did my mother would become the big Dark Shadow screaming yelling grabbing whatever it took to get us to stay silent growing up I was terrified to speak fear was a constant friend I was labeled as shy but church practice became life practice and this is where I learned that the

world would judge me this is where I learned to perform because it didn't matter who I was as long as I could perform to the Delight of others especially my mother and in contrast there were times where I would stay silent in my fear but as soon as we got behind closed doors the dark shadow would appear you need to talk to people when they talk to you don't just stand there speak up they're gonna think you're [ __ ] and those words were etched in my mind they're going to think you're [ __ ] got it don't look stupid don't sound stupid don't act

stupid don't be stupid and so I became a performer my costume consisted of the right hair the right makeup the right clothes and the right body thin I performed and I gained approval and then kids what the hell what are these kids doing running around here like with all of their imperfections showing oh my God no no no this will not do and just like that unwittingly unknowingly I became there big Dark Shadow yelling screaming grabbing threatening taking their stuff away whatever it took to get them to be who I needed them to be to be seen as a good mother and from the outside

we looked like the perfect family and that came big price it took a while for the words to sink in your daughter she's cutting herself I couldn't wrap my mind around it I couldn't understand it I was blind to the cry for help but the truth is I was doing the same thing on the inside for years cutting myself down criticizing judging myself in my head all the while numbing it all with alcohol my cuts were on the inside her body could no longer contain the pain of generations past oh it was showing itself Our Truth her pain my pain my mother's pain her mother's

pain and all of the mothers before that her Cuts revealed in plain sight the generational trauma the greatest blessing of my life brought me to my knees cracked me open and allow me to see what I had been not willing to look at scared little girl still living within to love her to nurture her to accept her we are born into and raised a certain way groomed a certain way conditioned a certain way and we get trapped in that unless Against All Odds we can break through and be who we are truly meant to be beyond the fear trusting in our self and turning our

pain into our power foreign

Transcript generated from the recording and lightly cleaned. Some names and wording may differ from the spoken speech.

Transcript

it was a chilly South Dakota morning we were dressed in our Sunday best I was wearing my new Green Spring dress with the white collar I looked impeccable but I dreaded coming to church because that meant my mother was going to be on edge and hovering over me like a dark shadow as we walked down the church aisle I could feel the eyes watching judging I had knots in my stomach and my hands were wet with sweat as my mother sat down beside me my sister leaned over and she whispered something in my ear and we both giggled cutting that tension and then I could

feel my mother's Nails digging into me as she squeezed my arm and I trembled inside terrified we sat still and quiet obedient this grooming started at a very early age at home with church practice I would sit Frozen as my mother has shh don't you dare speak a word don't move a muscle and if we did my mother would become the big Dark Shadow screaming yelling grabbing whatever it took to get us to stay silent growing up I was terrified to speak fear was a constant friend I was labeled as shy but church practice became life practice and this is where I learned that the

world would judge me this is where I learned to perform because it didn't matter who I was as long as I could perform to the Delight of others especially my mother and in contrast there were times where I would stay silent in my fear but as soon as we got behind closed doors the dark shadow would appear you need to talk to people when they talk to you don't just stand there speak up they're gonna think you're [ __ ] and those words were etched in my mind they're going to think you're [ __ ] got it don't look stupid don't sound stupid don't act

stupid don't be stupid and so I became a performer my costume consisted of the right hair the right makeup the right clothes and the right body thin I performed and I gained approval and then I had kids what the hell what are these kids doing running around here like with all of their imperfections showing oh my God no no no this will not do unwittingly unknowingly I became there big Dark Shadow yelling screaming grabbing threatening taking their stuff away whatever it took to get them to be who I needed them to be to be seen as a good mother and from the outside we looked

like the perfect family and that came at a big price it took a while for the words to sink in your daughter she's cutting herself couldn't wrap my mind around it I couldn't understand it I was blind to the cry for help but the truth is I was doing the same thing on the inside for years cutting myself down criticizing judging myself in my head all the while numbing it all with alcohol my cuts were on the inside her body could no longer contain the pain of generations past oh it was showing itself Our Truth her pain my pain my mother's pain her mother's pain

and all of the mothers before that her Cuts revealed in plain sight the generational trauma my daughter the greatest blessing of my life brought me to my knees cracked me open and allowed me to see what I had been not willing to look at her little girl still living within we are born into and raised a certain way groomed a certain way conditioned a certain way and we get trapped in that unless Against All Odds we can break through and be who we are truly meant to be beyond the fear trusting in our self and turning our pain into our power foreign

Transcript generated from the recording and shown as captured, without added punctuation. Some names and wording may differ from the spoken speech.