Faith Koltak

Transcript

I should not be here so many of my life stories seem to begin with I should not be here and I almost wasn't but I'm getting ahead of myself in 2020 a meme circulated widely on social media reminding us that although we were all in the same storm on the same ocean we were in very different boats mine was sinking not outwardly you couldn't look at me and tell that I was failing at baling the water from my boat but the fact that you couldn't see it didn't mean that it wasn't true can November 2020 I contracted covid I remember lying in bed thinking it

would be so incredibly easy to just fall asleep and not wake up later in the hospital I had a moment that changed my life while waiting for test results I had a sudden thought of this isn't it this is not how my life ends I haven't done what I've come here to do I was right I was sick but I wasn't dying and I got to go home that day four months later I began the ending of my marriage in doing so I had to acknowledge and resolve an unhealthy relationship with alcohol six months after that I quit the job that was slowly destroying my

soul I wasn't sure what exactly I was going to do with the rest of my life but I knew that I wasn't going to spend another moment pretending to be someone that I wasn't so I did with any reasonable woman who believed she had nothing left to lose would do I went to Mexico for four months to heal I said in February 2022 I sat on my balcony overlooking the bay and thought I wish I could walk into the ocean just walk along the bottom until I turn into a mermaid and swim away I didn't recognize it at the time but I was in the

midst of a major Mental Health crisis it had been a year since I made sweeping changes to my life and yet my boat was still sinking the next month I returned home to Colorado less than a week later I had a moment of conscious awareness and found myself Googling lethal doses of medications I had on hand what was I doing for the first time in my life I was uncertain of everything and afraid of myself somehow I had managed to slip underwater without realizing it and I wasn't sure that I was going to be able to resurface I wasn't even sure that I wanted to

when I thought back to that moment in the emergency room 18 months prior I was angry why would the universe have given me the will to live then only to allow me to lose it when I needed it the most what had I done to my life if I reframed that how badly did I want to live the authentic life I had been talking about for a year at that point I sought out a safe harbor I began by standing in my shame and admitting to those closest to me that I was suicidal and genuinely feared myself I made and kept appointments with doctors and

therapists even when I didn't want to be there even when I thought that I didn't want to be here I cried oceans of Tears I received a diagnosis of delayed onset cptsd from childhood trauma and so much began to make sense and then I realized that I was trained for exactly this moment you see before leaving that job I hated I trained to be a coach before leaving for Mexico I began training specific to trauma and rewiring neurology that training saved my life I reached out to my teachers mentors and colleagues some of whom are here tonight I did the work the same work that

as a coach and a healing practitioner I asked my clients to do and one by one I slowly began to repair the holes in my boats I am so grateful to those people who helped me keep my spark lit that I could become a lighthouse for other Souls sinking in their Darkness why did the universe allow me to know such a fierce will to live only to allow me to lose it because I needed to remember that I have a purpose that is larger than I am because I needed to understand the depths of my own pain so that I could understand the pain my

clients may have endured in order that I might help navigate their Rough Waters I stand before you today a wounded healer scarred and Perfectly Imperfect a year ago I wasn't sure that I would be standing and I never thought that I would be here but I am and I absolutely should be that my friends is the power of the human Spirit it is a testament to honesty vulnerability and Community to bearing our shame for others to witness and allowing ourselves to be held and supported and so we're able to stand on our own again as humans we are not infallible we all make mistakes we

all have dark moments we all carry shame we are all on different oceans in different weather conditions in very different boats but we all have access to that tiny spark inside of us that is the human spirit in the middle of a storm what is a lighthouse if not a spark of light that guides other souls to their Safe Harbor

Transcript generated from the recording and lightly cleaned. Some names and wording may differ from the spoken speech.