Fionne Cheng

Transcript

dang how happiness that was the name that my parents gave me which is kind of ironic considering that growing up I have felt anything but that in a home where there were two things either one do what you're told or it was a me you figure it out I raised myself in the world and and if I had to describe our family Dynamics on the outside we would look like the perfect happy family but on the inside things were a little bit more toxic if I had to describe the Dynamics I would say we're more like roommates but the only difference with roommates is at

least with them you can tell them you're sorry their parents never love them now I would not recommend you trying that with your own parents it might hit a little bit too close to home so when I decided to move back in 2021 it surprised everyone after all I literally use the pandemic as the very reason to move out in the first place now my Grandma had been diagnosed with dementia and I figured as the eldest I had a responsibility to move back home to help take care of her with my parents after all she did raise me despite how much she hated me I

had spent close to a decade studying communication psychology and anything else I could get my hands on to improve my relationship with self and others I was ready things gradually improved until late summer of 2022 everyone at home caught Co except me and I was asked to help my father with some travel documents less than 30 minutes of this man giving me the confident dismissive no I help can you wear a mask literally without a moment's hesitation this man literally turns his head and continues to talk now up until this point point my relationship with my family had not been good especially with my father

I had been working diligently with my therapist to reestablish our relationship set healthy boundaries and learn to say no this was the first time I set a hard boundary with my father next thing you know he rips the document straight out of my hand and yells at me and tells me that I am the nuisance for being asked to do such a simple task before my brain had any time to process the thought he proceeds to slam the door straight into my face and I can feel the vibration Echo straight into my core I locked myself in my room my entire body was trembling As

I Lay curled up in bed tears pour down my face as I used all and I mean all of my remaining energy to keep as quiet as I possibly could afraid to evoke more anger so I close my eyes and I keep repeating my Mantra it's okay vulnerability is a strength not a weakness I needed to self-regulate so I did the best thing that I knew how I lay curled up in my sleeping bag on the floor and somewhere between the tears I drifted but before my body had any time to process the thought I woke up on high alert to the loud pounding footsteps

followed by the opening and closing of the front door he's gone I am safe growing up with the family that is able to provide you with love tender care and warmth is a privilege this was a luxury I did not have and I'm still actively working on reconciling inside and out however this time things were a little different because this time I choose me I chose to move back home so when my mother walked by I called her over it's okay vulnerability is a strength not a weakness I called her and broke down in tears sobbing as I told her everything that had happened this

was the first time that we had bonded and it was all I ever wanted connection it was also the first time that my Chinese name began to ring true Sayang Haan happiness true freedom is found when we realize three things one we are the actors authors and directors of our own life two when our internal World changes so does our external and three every choice that we make is a vote for who our future self will be thank you

Transcript generated from the recording and lightly cleaned. Some names and wording may differ from the spoken speech.