Giovanna Capozza

Transcript

he said all the right things to make me feel special including asking if you could fly all the way from Australia for us to have our first date you're worth it he said never before had someone gone to these lengths for me I swooned at the romance of it all and even after we met for the first time and I looked into his eyes and I heard a voice whisper in my ears danger I continued red flag after red flag it didn't matter I was hooked I was addicted to the illusion of romantic love I was lovesick after a whirlwind long-distance romance I decided to

move to the other side of the world ignoring the nying feeling in my gut shortly after my arrival the reality of who I was living with and the choice I made started to reveal itself one night after dinner he sat me down and said I need to talk to you about something but first I need you to put this collar on everything inside me recoiled at the idea I had resisted what he was into for a while now but this now why I wanted to scream but he had already worn me down over this fight for me to be something that I wasn't submissive to

scared to disappoint him again I agreed I noticed that tonight at dinner when the waitress put the water on the table you didn't pour for me I didn't like that he said I was shocked I was stunned I I hadn't even noticed I mean I knew deep down inside that I wasn't a selfish person but maybe he was right maybe I was wrong you see by this time the manipulation and undermining had gone on for some time and I was so turned upside down then came the surprise evening out one night that ended by being yanked and dragged up a flight of stairs out of

a nightclub you need to learn he shouted that night he decided that my insolence required more punishment apparently I had far too many smartass remarks to make at the fetish bar he brought me to I was banished to the couch left to cry myself to sleep feeling more humiliation and helplessness I only wanted to be enough for him but I kept failing isolated from friends and family that might break the fog that I was in my self-esteem deteriorated with each passing day then one afternoon after I was a complete shadow of my former self he came home with roses he kissed me on the forehead

and he coldly said I can't handle you anymore this is done you need to leave and with that he cast me out I was left to pick up the pieces of my shattered self alone on the other side of the world desperate one night I prayed to die please God please don't let me wake up I can't handle this pain anymore why does everyone that I love keep leaving me what's wrong with me like a thirsty woman in the desert I would cling to any mirage that appeared to look like or act like love I couldn't tell mr. right from mr. run like hell but

how did I let it get this far I was a smart girl how had I allowed this man to bore into my mind like a termite the truth is he may have put the literal collar on me but I had been collared my entire life I was being strangled by my need to please to be accepted and to be loved but most of all by a man I had been choking and gasping for air a bottomless pit of need and a prisoner to this addiction somebody please love me my solution initially after the tears dried up was to block relationships out completely but after a

while I knew that I needed to reclaim who I was I decided to commit to doing the work to healing the pain of my past mind body and soul initially quitting meant cold turkey allowed me to see all the times that I had looked for my worthiness in their approval and how often I looked forward in the wrong places then I decided to develop a relationship with spirit beyond buying crystals and burning incense little by little I began to realize that I deserved more than the bread crumbs that I had been accepting I learned to trust myself again I learned to trust that I would

know what to do if mr. run like hell showed up again blood sweat and years later I can now look into the loving beautiful blue eyes of my man and see healthy love reflected back my healing now manifest into a wonderful relationship but I'm grateful I'm grateful for all of the heartbreak all of the times that I felt unworthy not enough or unlovable each lesson has taught me that I am enough it has taught me that the right man will not push me away when things get tough or my insecurities pop up that he'll love me because and not in spite of them I learned

that having needs does not make you needy and that you have innate to value the on your physical appearance your looks or your past your love is a privilege to be shared with the worthy and the deserving you deserve to know what it's like to be adored by the right person and not only because you found the one but because you became the one

Transcript generated from the recording and lightly cleaned. Some names and wording may differ from the spoken speech.

Transcript

a long day of hearing condolences and shaking hands and wiping tears we all sat in the kitchen in her kitchen but my mom hadn't been there not for months she had been lying in bed dying of cancer and now she was gone as we sat dressed in black passing dishes and plates around the table I found myself getting up and wandering down the hall back to where I had last seen her alive I curled up on bed in the bed as if beside her I picked up her neatly folded shawl it still smelled like her suddenly I became aware of a sound a dreadful guttural

sound I had never heard such a horrible sound in my life where was it coming from as I drew in my next breath I realized that sound was coming from me my sisters rushed in the room they sat beside me and rubbed my back and in that moment a sentence emerged from my lips a question was born one that had been and would continue to define my life from that moment on who's gonna love me now flash back to high school I was that ninth grader I was spending all of my free time in the guidance counselor's office because I was hell-bent on figuring out

what I was gonna be when I grew up you see I knew that I wanted to be a somebody I wanted to be successful and I had to plan for it a short time later and not that long my ambition turned towards getting attention from boys and obsessing about relationships you see I have been driven by significance my entire life the need to feel loved and accepted and approved of I didn't realize it but it drove me 20 years later I woke up a thriving alternative medicine practice a big house in the burbs luxury cars in the driveway a cottage up north and a ring

on my finger I had checked all the boxes I wasn't a failure not by anyone's measure except my own I had failed myself I had settled I settled for the guy that looked good on paper I settled to long living without passion or purpose I had settled my entire life to get love and now I was lost I didn't know my way but how could I know the way I never stopped to ask for directions a year after my mother died I had a terrifying realization I was repeating her unfulfilled life I feared that I would die just like she did unless I made some

radical changes but let's face it change is usually awkward before it's elegant okay ricocheted for a few more years bouncing from career burnout to personal tragedy to financial despair and another broken relationship eventually I realized my story had to change I set off on a journey around the world a journey to change an answer that one question that was at the core of it all that one question that had been driving me my entire life who's gonna love me now many passport stamps later I had the realization that until I felt like enough from within I would perpetually look for love and success outside of

myself and come up empty every time that moment it came on a beautiful beach in Australia without effort or fanfare on that day I felt suddenly whole and complete it washed over me like the tide there was no one beside me to give no money or accolades to confirm it just me a short time later this time curled up on another bed in California and without the tears I heard a voice spring from the ethers it said you did it you're done it's time to go back I had found the answer and it had come quietly in stillness that love that I craved my entire

life it was me I was gonna love me now and that is the ultimate answer thank you

Transcript generated from the recording and lightly cleaned. Some names and wording may differ from the spoken speech.