Ingrid Palmer

Transcript

a virago is a female warrior or a manish woman i own both definitions but i wasn't always this self-assured you see when i was 16 years old i was diagnosed with polycystic ovary syndrome a condition that affects only five to ten percent of women one of its side effects is hirsutism or the growth of a beard as a female by the time i was in my twenties i was shaving every day and the skin on my cheeks chin and neck were inflamed with ingrown hairs and razor bumps the skin in these areas had also darkened considerably becoming this traitorous tattoo that defiantly declared the very

trait i was desperate to hide as a partially sighted black woman i was already constantly combating other people's perceptions of who i was what i represented and the value that i brought to the world by 1998 i found myself in the midst of a dichotomy of two social phenomenas both at the height of their popularity on one side we had the outrageous jerry springer show and on the other side fuji bonten's hit boom bye bye being socially perceived as a trans woman brought with it an overt level of hostility and exclusion that far exceeded anything that i faced as a female as a person of

color or living with a disability it was incredible the way that strangers felt entitled to comment to sneer or loudly discuss the probability of my gender without any regard i was simply public fodder there to be viewed reviewed and discarded it had me feeling both conspicuous and invisible at the very same time life resembled a jail sentence to be served as i was straight jacketed by a hyper awareness of all my intersectionalities and the ways that they overlaid every area of my life the social toll exacted on me daily left me struggling as to how to move from simply surviving to thriving it all came

to a head one evening when i attended a street party in conjunction with a project that i was involved with the streets were teeming with people the music was booming it was a beautiful evening and i have to say i was looking fabulous in a red sundress at one point in the evening i did notice a man nearby watching me intently and his actions were nauseatingly familiar there was the scan of my chin then the scrutiny of my neck for signs of an adam's apple followed by a close examination of my body paying particular attention to my hands and my feet it was always the

same when he took steps in my direction however a bolt of dread just flashed through me i prepared myself for what i envisioned as a verbal exchange my screams however rang through the night as i felt his hand brutally grabbed me by the nether regions he squeezed and twisted as hard as he could before ripping his hand away my knees collapsed and the words bhakti-y followed me to the ground i can still hear the sounds of my breaths coming in grunts through my clenched teeth as i fought to get a hold of myself those minutes felt like an eternity and when i did manage to

pull myself up through the hurt back on my feet i was on fire obscenities burst through my lips but underneath there was another burn that brought tears to my eyes i felt as if the essence of what made me me was tearing apart on the inside lord i don't know if i can do this anymore i was exhausted constantly torn between not giving a damn what people thought and giving a damn what people thought i wanted to change their perceptions of me i wanted to explain or justify my existence because it sucked it sucked that i could clear a bench just by sitting down and

it sucked that i was visually impaired and when i asked people for help i got don't talk to me or get away from me and it sucked that the seat beside me on the bus would always stay empty no matter how full it got in those initial moments after the assault when the perpetrator got to simply strut away with a smirk and i was met with a gauntlet of unsympathetic eyes it seemed as if the totality of my value as a human being and the fortitude required to be me was on the line and then out of that feeling of brokenness emerge this profound clarity

on my responsibility to embrace myself fully first because i set the standard of how i would be treated i learned that once and for all i had to do away with any desire for social approval and uncompromisingly embrace my uniqueness and everything that made me me because those were the hallmarks of my resilience with that knowledge i could feel my soul knitting itself back together with power i felt fuller of myself somehow as if every cell in my body had increased to its utmost expanse and that i therefore more amply occupied space when i left that evening it was with a deliberate upward tilt of

my chin as i reveled in the knowledge of my inability to be destroyed we are only as weak as the labels we choose to live under and we are as strong as the titles we give ourselves to live up to a virago is a female warrior or a manish woman i own both definitions you

Transcript generated from the recording and lightly cleaned. Some names and wording may differ from the spoken speech.

Transcript

it took second and third degree burns to finally propel me to leave a six-year relationship that had been dead long before that fateful day when the brightly colored yellow envelope arrived in the mail my heart and stomach stretched in opposite directions it made me feel nauseous just like when i was on a roller coaster see i had already given him an ultimatum on more than one occasion but this was it one more discretion i said and we'd be done for good i laid the envelope down on the kitchen counter trying not to think about it while i prepared dinner even as i put a pot

of water on the stove and placed a roast in the oven my mind was constantly drawn towards the envelope the bright color just seemed to pulsate with an irresistible promise to fulfill my secret desire a way out as i held the envelope over the steam rising from the pot on the stove my heart beat furiously like it already knew what was inside and the contents did not disappoint it was indeed from another woman he came in then and i wasted no time i waved the stationary like a victory flag and declared it's over with a finality that was crystal clear the danger of the moment

didn't penetrate my mind until i tracked his eyes toward the pot on the stove too late closed in by the u-shaped design of my kitchen counters all i had time to do was turn my back and shield my face as my screams rang out he ran out the front door leaving our little girl frozen on the sofa even as i felt my skin melt away and raced upstairs into an icy shower with my clothes on a part of me was absolutely jubilant i was finally free this last act sealed the deal even better than the letter now i had a firm case to break up

our family i had irrefutable cause to leave once and for all when i entered the dwelling that is now known as the dr ra's healing place with my then two-year-old daughter the jubilance had been replaced by heavy sorrow the sadness lived in the way i had martyred myself in a toxic relationship on the futile hope that i could love someone into loving me better and that i had needed a reason beyond my desire for better for myself in order to leave see deep down i felt very unworthy i had spent eight years in foster care after being sexually abused as a child i am legally

blind and due to a hormone in balance i grow excess facial hair over the course of my life i had internalized that everything about me was inferior that i could not be beautiful as a black woman that i am not preferred as a person with a disability or desirable as a bearded female most of my life i had been consumed by an ever present and deep yearning one so intense that besides the mental anguish it often caused me actual physical pain what could it feel like to be loved to belong to be wanted i simply didn't know i read about it saw it take place

all around me but still it was something that i could only imagine even now it hurts to admit that i would have taken almost anyone who would have me all i had ever wanted was someone to love me and i would love them right back but instead i was in a shelter with a group of diverse women even in the shared nature of our presence there i felt wary of them i was accustomed to a divisive undercurrent of how females interacted you know the one where we only see each other as competition where we compare and contrast on every aspect hair face body style status

partners material possessions ah i didn't want to be stuck in a house with people giving each other cut eye looking one another up and down disassociating a long race and status lines oh no i vowed to not engage at all but attending group sessions was mandatory the hell could they know about being visually impaired but conscious of your partner flirting with other people in your presence and turning your accusations into evidence of your very real yes insecurities or how could any of them understand a boyfriend being embarrassed to be seen in public with you because of your beard but loving the high level of testosterone

that causes it because it also boosts libido how the hell could anyone comprehend the chasm of a lifetime of loneliness i wasn't going to set myself up by even trying to connect with these women from the very first group meeting and over the next four months i was transformed when the women opened up about their experiences i was shocked at what i heard as each narrative unfolded they revealed familiar patterns of pain isolation gaslighting undeserved loyalty the loss of dreams and the demise of a future that had been counted on i heard about too much love given for so little in return hope stretched beyond

what it should tears and blood traveling similar paths each voice was like a mirror reflecting my own wounds and constricting my heart almost beyond endurance i had never born witness to such female connectivity with no signs of baseless superiority or misdirected coldness comparison was futile here for the devastation blanketed us all and there in the communal heartache i saw that we all eat lies when our souls are hungry i wasn't alone in feasting on faulty social norms and gender roles that were baked into the remnants of unfulfilled needs that we consumed as if it could somehow generate that which we sought and as i sat

and missed tenuously dangling hearts my own issued a challenge could i put aside self and hold each woman's humanity on the same level that i placed my own can i hold our realities jointly validating each one in their own right could i sink in humility to revolutionize how i related in love women don't have to be rivals we can hold each other's insecurities gently and seek to uplift and support when i left the house now known as dr roz's healing place i was in adoration of myself knowing that there needn't be any tension between wanting to be loved and loving myself because allowing love to

flow to me then through me would always bring it back to me in healthy authenticity thank you everyone you

Transcript generated from the recording and lightly cleaned. Some names and wording may differ from the spoken speech.

Transcript

my authenticity was called out of the pulsating throbs of my bruised vagina there are moments of transformation that mark our lives and alter the way that we show up in the world time is then forever divided into two parts the time before the moment and the time after i remember it was a beautiful hot day the sky was without blemish not a cloud in sight reggae music exploded out of speakers that lined the street loud conversation and laughter permeated throughout indeed it was a festive spot and if anyone had just happened upon the scene they would not have realized that anything out of the ordinary

had just happened after all my felled and broken figure was not enough to mar the festivities in the time before i am a 26 year old velvet rose full lips bright eyes and what better garment for a rose than a red silky sundress that hugged lifted and separated in all the right places and so with rum punch in hand sultry beats pulsating through my body my typical hyper vigilance had subsided into a nice easy gaze until my eyes connected with another pair nearby i observed a man watching me and i witnessed a momentary flicker of interest that then devolved into disgust and morphed into anger

and not for the first time i wondered at my ability to elicit such strong emotion by my mere presence but then again i very well knew that the five o'clock shadow and razor bumps that adorned my face and neck broadcast the narrative through which i was daily viewed and reviewed hirsutism is what it's called the excessive facial hair on women with polycystic ovary syndrome and i had been shaving since the age of 18. when your appearance becomes your identity it's a heavy weight to carry i struggled for years to negotiate sanctuary just a small place to be in the world but my social precarity and

the stigma that accompanied it seemed fixed it some called me so casual with their brutality that it made it difficult for me to truly feel the confidence that i professed so when that man took steps in my direction i thought i knew what to expect the usual verbal venom but when he reached me his hand stretched out and my screams rang out as i felt his nails dig deep into my private spot his fingers twisting his palms squeezing with all the force that he could muster before he released me and although that assault took seconds it collapsed my whole body and then he delivered the

typical daggers into my hunched over back patiboy [ __ ] and then walked away i can still hear the animal sounding grunts that pushed through my clenched teeth still feel the ghost of tears that refused to be contained behind my lids and the music played on everything stayed unchanged except for me each pulsating throb between my legs demanded different i finally realized that i didn't have to ask for acceptance it was already mine but it had to animate from deep within and then ooze out of every pore and orifice not just my mouth in the time after i pulled myself up through the hurt and

arose in full alignment with my being and amidst a gauntlet of unsympathetic eyes i smoothed my dress i elevated the tilt of my chin and i danced planting my presents all the more firmly i danced unwounded i danced in celebration of me as myself and as i continued to move one by one others joined with me and that moment transformed me from a seeker of belonging to its creator there is nothing more powerful than what we dare to accept ourselves as we are because it holds the space for others to do the same now that's inclusion you

Transcript generated from the recording and lightly cleaned. Some names and wording may differ from the spoken speech.

Transcript

Alvarado is a female warrior or a mannish woman I own both definitions but I wasn't always this self-assured you see when I was 16 years old I was diagnosed with polycystic ovary syndrome a condition that affects only five to ten percent of women one of its side effects is hirsutism or the growth of a beard as a female by the time I was in my twenties I was shaving every day and the skin on my cheeks chin and neck were inflamed with ingrown hairs and razor bumps the skin in these areas had also darkened considerably becoming this traitorous tattoo that defiantly declared the very trait

I was desperate to hide as a partially sighted black woman I was already constantly combating other people's perceptions of who I was what I represented and the value that I brought to the world by 1998 I found myself in the myth of a dichotomy of two social phenomena both at the height of their popularity on one side we had the outrageous Jerry Springer Show and on the other side would you Banton's hit boom by by being socially perceived as a trans woman brought with it an overt level of hostility and exclusion that far exceeded anything that I faced as a female as a person of

color or living with a disability it was incredible the way that strangers felt entitled to comment to sneer or loudly discuss the probability of my gender without any regard I was simply public fodder there to be viewed reviewed and discarded it had me feeling both conspicuous and invisible at the very same time life resembled a jail sentence to be served as I was straitjacketed by a hyper awareness of all my intersectionalities and the ways that they overlaid every area of my life the social toll exact 'add on me daily left me struggling as to how to move from simply surviving to thriving it all came

to a head one evening when I attended a street party in conjunction with a project that I was involved with the streets were teeming with people the music was booming it was a beautiful evening and I have to say I was looking fabulous in a red sundress at one point in the evening I did notice a man nearby watching me intently and his actions were nas aiding Lee familiar there was the scan of my chin then the scrutiny of my neck for signs of an Adam's apple followed by a close examination of my body paying particular attention to my hands and my feet it was

always the same when he took steps in my direction however a bolt of dread just flashed through me I prepared myself for what I envisioned as a verbal exchange my screams however rang through the night as I felt his hand brutally grabbed me by the nether regions he squeezed and twisted as hard as he could before ripping his hand away my knees collapsed and the words walked away followed me to the ground I can still hear the sound of my breaths coming in grunts through my clenched teeth as I fought to get a hold of myself those minutes felt like an eternity and when I

did manage to pull myself up through the hurt back on my feet I was on fire obscenities burst through my lips but underneath there was another burn that brought tears to my eyes I felt as if the essence of what made me me was tearing apart on the inside Lord I don't know if I can do this anymore I was exhausted constantly torn between not giving a damn what people thought and giving a damn when people thought I wanted to change their perceptions of me I wanted to explain or justify my existence because it sucked it sucked that I could clear a bench just by

sitting down and it sucked that I was visually impaired and when I asked people for help I got don't talk to me or get away from me and it sucked that the seat beside me on the bus would always stay empty no matter how awful it got in those initial moments after the assault when the perpetrator God could simply strut away with a smirk and I was met with a gauntlet of unsympathetic eyes it seemed as if the totality of my value as a human being and the fortitude required to be me was on the line and then out of that feeling of brokenness emerged

this profound clarity on my responsibility to embrace myself fully first because I set the standard of how it would be treated I learned that once and for all I had to do away with any desire for social approval and uncompromising ly embrace my uniqueness and everything that made me me because those were the hallmarks of my resilience with that knowledge I could feel my soul knitting itself back together with power I felt fuller of myself somehow as if every cell in my body had increased to his utmost expanse and that I therefore more amply occupied space when I left that evening it was with a

deliberate upward tilt of my chin as I reveled in the knowledge of my inability to be destroyed we are only as weak as the labels we choose to live under and we are as strong as the titles we give ourselves to live up to a Virago is a female warrior or a mannish woman I own both definitions

Transcript generated from the recording and lightly cleaned. Some names and wording may differ from the spoken speech.