John Edward McGraw

Transcript

Have you ever wanted someone to be proud of you but felt like a disappointment? I failed a class at the university where my dad was registar. He didn't yell. He didn't have to. Just one look and I felt it. That quiet judgment that seeps under your skin. If id read his mind, it would have sounded like, "You're wasting your life. You'll never amount to anything." My parents survived a civil war in Nigeria. They were both teachers helping civilians. My mom was evacuated, but my dad stayed behind.

And for a year, she didn't know if he was alive. We heard the stories from his students. They would say, "We owe him our lives." And he didn't look like anything special, just a graying administrator in glasses. But to me, he was a superhero. And me, I was flunking classes, chasing a dream of becoming a famous actor, but mostly just drinking too much at parties. Nights blacking out and days missing classes, wasting the opportunity he'd worked so hard to give me, too afraid to actually try, convinced that whatever I did would never measure up to him.

No wonder becoming a teacher just like him felt like finally becoming someone. In 2005, I started teaching English in Japan. One of my students, Kenji, was a middle-aged businessman. Quiet, polite, always in a gray suit. He's studying for an English test that opens better job opportunities overseas. And I'm going to make a difference. I'm going to be that unforgettable teacher, his superhero. Today I'm teaching a multiple choice strategy. The key point, when in doubt, choose C. There's no penalty for guessing, so don't leave anything blank.

But in Japan, guessing feels risky. People sometimes avoid answering questions so they don't look foolish. So we practice again and again. When in doubt, choose C. And I ask Kenji, do you understand? He nods and says, yes. Perfect. Kenji starts the practice test and when he hands it back, I freeze. Several questions are left blank. Kenji, I ask. Why didn't you answer them? When in doubt, choose C. He stares at me, nervous. So, I push. You said you understood. Why didn't you ask if you didn't?

He stays silent and inside I snap. Just do something, I shout, jabbing my finger at his paper. Kenji quickly circles answers and I leave in frustration. In the teacher's lounge, I vent to a colleague. When in doubt, you see. How could he miss the whole point and not say anything? She looks at me and says gently, "John, he's Japanese and you're his teacher. He wouldn't disrespect you by saying he didn't understand. That would imply your instructions were bad. Oh, Kenji didn't fail the lesson.

I did. I was so focused on proving I mattered that I missed the real job. To serve, to listen, to adapt. Kenji never came back. But his silence taught me more than any words could. After that, I changed. I stopped asking, "Do you understand?" I started asking, "Can you explain that back to me?" Not to test them, to check myself. I stopped pushing my way and started adjusting to theirs. Not just in teaching, but in leadership. That phrase, when in doubt, choose C, became something different for me.

When in doubt, leaders choose C. C for courage, to sit with uncertainty. C for curiosity, to ask questions that unlock people's potential. C for connection, to meet people where they're at and disregard your own ego. It's not about looking competent. It's about making others feel seen. It's not about your comfort. It's about their success. And now I help leaders in international talent bridge cultural divides. And whenever I speak or coach or teach, I remember Kenji. What felt like failure was actually the moment that I grew into the leader I always wanted to be and into the leader my dad believed I could be.

My father passed away a few years ago, but I like to think that I'm becoming the kind of man he'd be proud of. Not a superhero, just an ordinary man who when in doubt chooses courage, curiosity, and connection. Thank you.

Transcript generated from the recording and lightly cleaned. Some names and wording may differ from the spoken speech.