Lauren Daniels

Transcript

you know you're not going to feel this way forever I was so struck when I heard those words that I actually looked behind me to see who my new psychiatrist was talking to cuz there's no way she was talking to me deep down at 20 years old I knew I was so far into my illness that I'd be dead by the time I was 22 I knew this because every professional I'd seen up until that point warned me I was going to die spoiler alert I'm alive I'm not a ghost I'm quite a bit older than 22 I studied her face as I tried to

make sense of what she just said to me it never occurred to me there could be another way I was young when my self-esteem and Body Image issues began when most of my friends were out having fun eating popcorn at the movies birthday at parties and dreaming of what they wanted to be when they grew up I was depressed anxious and obsessing over my body restricting my food intake compulsively exercising and purging became the only things I could think about and control my suffering was so overwhelming at times that I didn't even want to be alive anymore struggling with relationships perfectionism and my identity I

was dissociating from my body and from Life altogether I was slowly killing myself during the most pivotal years I was in and out of hospitals and residential treatment programs at 18 I wasn't in college and I wasn't out partying too much with my friends I was in a wheelchair because my 70lb frame couldn't support me to even walk down a hallway now it was around this time when Dr nah more like a grandma than a doctor told my mom get her a horse she'll be fine what that's not realistic and there was another doctor who told my desperate mother she didn't want me as a

patient because she didn't want my death on her record I'm pretty sure that goes against a doctor's oath but what do I know I heard what she didn't say loud and clear she couldn't help me and I was a lost cause fortunately there were some folks who really believed in me and stuck by me through everything and so much of my recovery is because of someone really special this special someone taught me so many important lessons like how to be present and in the moment how to have healthy boundaries the safety and meaning of Truth true deep connection and the meaning of unconditional love more

importantly he taught me how to aim that unconditional love right at myself this special someone had big beautiful eyes the shiniest gray coat the softest muzzle four Hooves a Mane and a tail that's right he was my horse and his name was Sly caring for Sly and riding gave me a sense of connection I'd never experienced before we were working together listening and communicating with each other Sly helped me realize healing really is possible and it was our relationship and the connection I found in nature that fostered my resilience right up until about a year ago when I was by sly's side as he took

his last breath his death is still raw and has presented a test to my recovery like many others I find myself struggling with body image and who I am as I age and I also find myself thinking of him and how I can honor him and me by staying true to my recovery the lessons we learned Together live on I carry him with me he keeps me strong but more importantly he taught me how to be strong for myself even in times of Challenge and heartache I can always tap into what he has given me and know that I am resilient it's been a dream

of mine to have a farm of my own and to offer equin assisted therapy on that farm one month after s's death I found my farm I have no doubt he facilitated this somehow s's energy lives on through me and my farm and I get to bring that energy to others continuing this cycle of resilience and healing because healing is possible and that path to Healing can show up in unexpected places so I know you're not going to feel this way forever and when in doubt get a horse you'll be fine thank

Transcript generated from the recording and lightly cleaned. Some names and wording may differ from the spoken speech.