My Father's Voice
Speaking on the theme Gratitude at Speaker Slam® in Toronto on Sep 17, 2019, Leanne Babcock took the stage with a five minute story.
Transcript
I was four years old walking in the woods with my dad feeling so special and I snuggled into my fake blue fur coat my mom made me dad picked me up and he put me on a tree stump and started to talk to me he didn't baby talk he just talked to me like an adult and I don't remember what he said but I remember how I felt being addressed like an adult I felt like I mattered and that was the only time I ever felt like that with him when I was five you're such a disappointment seven stupid 13 why can't you be like
the other girls my dad suffered depression you see and I didn't understand that then at 14 I was tall and gangly and uncoordinated wanting to please my dad I went to the girls gymnastics club which I had zero interest in as I sat there watching what they did my belly got excited and I decided the next class I'd participate I could hardly wait to tell Dad you didn't do anything you just sat there and I went to the bathroom and looked in the mirror no one would ever know if I never showed up ever again anywhere I don't matter and just like that sentenced to
a fate of giving up on myself in my 20s I let myself run out of money and couldn't buy food in my 30s I had an ovarian cyst which I ignored and drowned the excruciating pain by popping painkillers with scotch the wrong relationships I was in again and again and again I dove into psychology and spiritual work and consciousness raising to figure out why I kept sabotaging myself self-sabotage I don't matter so I set out to bust that habit and started a gratitude journal about myself you know what I was grateful and appreciated about myself five things every day different simple right yeah day five
I wanted to give up my hand held my pen heavy and lifeless above my blank diary page thirty minutes I've been staring at you and I haven't done anything that mattered today look at here dad's voice you didn't do anything I didn't send out the client proposal my receipts were still a mess in the drawer there shoes for the shoe repair we're still sitting there I lay back and holding my heavy pin you know this is this is just too hard I you know I I'm just gonna skip this and as I started to close my diary no you're not giving up on yourself one
more time this other voice in my head strong it was like the sword of Joan of Arc slicing through the lethargy of resignation I'd held about myself and I held my pen like I was holding that sword what am i grateful and appreciate about myself today and as I breathed in my belly my heart filled with gratitude for myself that I am Who I am I am a silver-haired kick-ass woman who traveled coast to coast in her camper on her own following her dreams I show up fully as a woman and call other women to boldly be who we truly are with no apology and
then and then I knew it had nothing to do with what dad told me it had to do with what I told myself and it didn't matter the clothes I wear how I do my hair I was born mattering and so were you
Transcript generated from the recording and lightly cleaned. Some names and wording may differ from the spoken speech.