Meagan O'Nan

Transcript

when people treat us badly we always imagine that we'll stand up for ourselves it's 204 and my ex-boyfriend just added me as gay which is not okay in small town Mississippi I'm sitting in a Pew in a chapel on campus looking up at the stained glass windows and sitting next to me is my spiritual Mentor a man I deeply Trust I need him to absolve me in this moment and then he says to me if you continue to participate in a homosexual lifestyle you will burn in hell I'm numb I can't hear anymore I can't even speak when he asked me if I'm still in

a relationship with a woman I lie he thought he had saved me his job was done I had seen the light but I felt gross instead of standing up for myself I betrayed myself so what does it really mean to be brave I left that Chapel with a weight on my chest a weight I couldn't carry so I decided to leave Mississippi with no intention of ever going back I went to Florida State to get a third degree nerd I moved to Colorado with an ex I don't know why but I built a new life I made new friends I fell in love I was

happy but one day I started balling I wanted to be close to to my family again so I made the tough decision to return to Mississippi and y'all it was hard I'd been gone for six years and I knew when I got back I was going to run into people who had mistreated me before I'd walk into a grocery store I'd see someone who I knew thought it wasn't okay to be gay and my stomach would turn and my fear would drive me out of the store before I'd even finish my shopping you don't need an avocado for guacamole right I didn't want to face

questions like are you married you got a boyfriend what church do you go to anything anything to avoid standing up for myself but time has a way of pushing you forward I started to take baby steps instead of bolting out of the store I'd just gracefully walk to the other side I'd get to that avocado eventually I started to be brave I began to face those questions those fears those people I opened a business I finished another book I started a Blog I became a vocal member of my community until one day when it all all came to a head that man from the chapel

the one who told me I was destined for hell walked into my business there he was my feet were frozen there was no turning around and running out the back of the building he asked me if we can talk and I say yes but just give me a minute and I run off to the bathroom I lock the door behind me and I'm shaking tears are pouring down my face I cannot handle this moment and then the still strong voice inside of me said who do you want to be right now and I realized it wasn't him that I feared I was afraid afid of

not being true to myself I was afraid of not standing up for myself I was terrified of not being brave so I look myself in the mirror and I say out loud you are enough and I dried my tears I took a deep breath I walked back out front and he stuck out his hand to shake mine and I gave him a hug I didn't do it for him I did it for me I didn't need him to say he was sorry I didn't need him to validate me I don't know if he's ever changed his mind but I don't need him to we talk

for 20 minutes about nothing in particular and then I've never seen him again so what does it really mean to be brave sometimes we need to hug our fears not because they'll go away but precisely because they won't being openly afraid might be the bravest thing you'll ever do thank you reach and change your life Unleash Your power Embrace The Strife Inspire the world let your story flow as speak slamb let your spirit flow

Transcript generated from the recording and lightly cleaned. Some names and wording may differ from the spoken speech.

Transcript

you are disgusting don't you know what you're doing is a sin you make me sick these are the words I heard on the other end of the phone and I could feel my stomach drop my face was hot and my body was shaking and I was trying to understand why how could they know and that was just the beginning the phone calls kept coming and people were coming up to me on campus sneering and turning their backs and these were friends people I trusted my teammates members of the fellowship where I'd found my spiritual Haven and one painful Day My Life collapsed an ex-boyfriend had

outed me as gay and this isn't how I wanted to tell my Catholic conservative family but news spreads fast in small town Mississippi and I wanted to be the one to tell them and my Mom wept openly and my dad stared me in the eyes and he said don't you think you're going to go to hell and my older protective brother he said Megan you should leave Mississippi you'll be safer somewhere else and he wasn't wrong not long before that a friend of mine had been beaten to death at McDonald's for looking gay I felt crushed unlovable terrified I was just 22 years old and

it felt like I was losing everything and everyone so I called the one person who I thought might support me he was my spiritual Mentor from The Fellowship of Christian athletes we decided to meet at the chap ball in Mississippi state's campus and he said to me the Bible says that if you continue to participate in a homosexual lifestyle you will burn in hell and all I could hear was my heartbreaking because I realized I was just a label now not a person have you ever had a moment like that you know I thought human connection was this thing that was supposed to bring us

together but that day I learned that it also has the power to pull us apart human connection broke me and for the first time I hated who I was how was I supposed to get through it my response was to leave Mississippi I was gone for six years traveling starting my speaking and writing career getting into really really bad relationships I even dated a guy to test the waters of course I found a spiritual center when I was living in Colorado and that's where my true healing began it's also where I met my now wife Claire 15 years ago after she grabbed my ass into

meditation class and she claims to this day that she had not been with a woman before me but let let me tell you I don't believe her eventually I realized that I needed to return to Mississippi to heal I felt an emptiness inside of me that couldn't be filled until I faced my family and my community headon now rooted in what I thought was my power it was harder than I ever imagined it would be I hid CLA from our landlord from fear of being kicked out I was fired from jobs when people found out I is gay I wouldn't dare hold her hand in

public and I heard a small child call us disgusting the shame was deep but I was determined determined to love myself and to love others I refused to continue the cycle of discrimination and point the finger back out of complete desperation I started sharing my story I shared it on my blog on social media on stages in my books and on the news as way to connect with others and the shift for me didn't happen overnight but over the years opportunities for healing and transformation happened the fellowship of Christian athletes issued an apology to me after my story landed on the front page of all

the newspapers I had meaningful conversations with preachers and Priests my parents and I did the work necessary to become best friends again I got to help my hometown have its first pride parade in 2018 and I got to realize my biggest dream and gave birth to my daughter 5 years ago my healing happened because I was willing and I chose to be vulnerable we are all connected but the greatest barrier to meaningful human connection is how we choose to love in the face of fear human connection almost killed me but it also healed me and it can heal our world if we let it we

just cannot give up thank you w

Transcript generated from the recording and lightly cleaned. Some names and wording may differ from the spoken speech.