Merlyna Valentine

Transcript

marlina can you hear me i slowly opened my eyes and i saw this stranger by my bed i was petrified i tried to scream but no sound came out i attempted to get up and escape but i could not move and i thought this must be a nightmare i just need to wake up from this stranger came closer and said he was so happy to see my eyes were finally opened i had no idea this was a doctor and i had just awakened from a medically induced coma and my nightmare it was real and far from over you see i was in the intensive care

unit as i battled sepsis and major organ failure my prognosis was exceedingly grim and a ventilator was my lifeline i shivered in disbelief when i learned i'd been given a less than 10 chance of surviving i spent months in the hospital as i fought and clawed my way back from the brink of death miraculously i beat the impossible odds only to then be sentenced to a long and arduous recovery within the closing in four walls of my bedroom my body was still reeling from the residual effects of sepsis and a loss of blood flow to my extremities for nine months i watched in horror as

the life slowly drained from each of my limbs i faced the inevitable the amputation of both of my hands and both of my legs below the knee i deeply mourn this loss and equally as devastating was the fact that my mind was now seized by fear and the inability to accept the new me i was now imprisoned not by concrete and bars but confined by my own thoughts this impenetrable cell was constructed with sturdy walls that screamed you are broken fragile and unworthy there was such finality in losing parts of me no treatment no cure my limbs were just gone forever i felt trapped by

the uncertainty of my future until my breakthrough moment when faith acceptance and love unlocked my mental sound and freedom the key was a gift from my husband whom i'd only dated for one year when all of this happened and in the hospital as soon as that ventilator was removed i mustered up the strength and offered him his freedom from any sense of duty or obligation that he felt to stay he quickly assured me that he never agreed to only love me if i stayed exactly the same he committed to the new me and i realized then that my before and after version of myself both

deserve to be loved when he proposed of course i explained a resounding yes i found myself reminding him of all he would sacrifice to be with me his family his friends his career even his freedom to move to my city over an hour away and become my primary caregiver even having to do my hair and makeup his response still makes my heart beam when he shared that he had nothing to lose and only much to gain from marrying the most incredible amazing and phenomenal woman in the world i look deep into his big beautiful brown eyes and you know what i said you are so

right you've hit the marriage jackpot and together we freely chose love each of us has this freedom to choose happiness and love despite the circumstances but exercising this liberty does not come easily many of us sentence ourselves to life inside mental prisons erected by our own limiting beliefs we're held captive by our own self-sabotaging thoughts as life relentlessly tries to persuade us to believe that adversity always prevails if freedom is the state of not being imprisoned then we can liberate ourselves by breaking free of the chains of fear and acknowledging that adversity is not invincible i finally stopped holding on to what my life was

and embraced what my life is and all that it can be so when that indelible moment happened i held on tightly to my father's arm for the most incredible walk of my life each step down the aisle on my prosthetic legs led me closer to marrying my prince charming and to living our happily ever after love empowered me with the freedom to command my thoughts and my fears instead of being imprisoned by them i am free you

Transcript generated from the recording and lightly cleaned. Some names and wording may differ from the spoken speech.

Transcript

look mom no hands my overly cautious seven-year-old self exclaimed this as i rode my bicycle for the first time without holding on to the handlebars it felt so liberating to be brave enough to finally let go my youthful self however had no idea that moment and those words would prove to be a harbinger of ominous days ahead fast forward to 42 year old marlina in my first day of physical therapy i sat in my wheelchair with a black sheet draped across my arms and legs my shroud of secrecy it was in a tiny fill-to-capacity waiting room and a little boy pointed at me and bellowed

look mom she has no hands i felt every eye in the waiting room staring at me and then i felt the blazing heat of my insecurities rising from deep within my belly you see this was my first time with strangers who were not aware of my tragic story a year prior i was a principal and i was welcoming students i felt an excruciating pain in my side deep into my flesh and the culprit was found to be a kidney stone this large kidney stone blocked my kidney and infection ravaged my body and it was as though my body was at war with itself and i

was losing the battle i was fighting sepsis and things were turning grim i fought valiantly to beat sepsis and a less than 10 percent chance of surviving i spent weeks in the intensive care unit on a ventilator in major organ failure i spent months in the hospital it was touch and go for much of that journey you know what miraculously i won the battle i beat sepsis but i was still on the front lines of a raging war in my life i was then sentenced to nine months within the closing in four walls of my bedroom my body still reeling from the effects of sepsis

and a loss of blood flow to my extremities i was horrified as i watched the death of each one of my limbs it was a slow and agonizing death as they turned cold and rigid and lifeless and then the inevitable i heard the a word amputations and that little boy in the waiting room well he was correct then i had no hands and i had no feet either i lived life as a quadruple amputee and i still remember that first look in the mirror post amputations it nearly took my breath away i kept saying mirror mirror on the wall will anyone still see my value

at all i mean i lost my limbs i lost my independence i lost even my purpose and it eroded away my self-confidence and then the heartache inside of me somehow collided with the hope that surrounded me and i was forced to see myself through the lens of love and when i returned as principal my students only saw their fearless leader and in my daughter's eyes i was beautiful and complete her hero and with every soft caress of my husband's hands i felt his unconditional love healing me in the very places where i needed to know i was still worthy of being loved i deserve to

be loved i think at some point we've all felt the heaviness of our significance being attached to some arbitrary standard of beauty we've worn the label of unworthiness simply because thoughts of our physical appearance stole our identity and it's because my story of loss evolved into my story of love that i know my value is not diminished simply because i'm missing my limbs and i know tonight my seven-year-old self would be so proud of me to hear me say look mom no hands no feet no problem

Transcript generated from the recording and lightly cleaned. Some names and wording may differ from the spoken speech.