Nesh Pillay

Transcript

Nash Polly Marsha Marsha moustache even as kids we know Marcia's perfect she's got long golden hair she wears the best clothes she's nice to everyone she's not regular cool she's Disney Channel cool and I am even cooler I'm not I'm fresh off the boat my clothes are like three sizes too big I have a snaggletooth and my hair does this thing where it refuses to lay flat so I'm constantly walking around with this giant triangle over my tiny head just I do have one thing though I have the most dense luscious mustache of anyone at my primary school including the teachers when mrs. Knox announces

that we need to find a representative for Student Council Martius the obvious choice I mean what lunatic would run against her this lunatic on a run against her I know that I'm gonna lose but I really like the stuff and I think I can do a good job so I volunteer Election Day is madness I'm so nervous my heart is in my butt Marcia goes first and she kills it she's a fifth graders dream she promises longer recess shorter homework time more school dances the kids go wild they're like stomping their feet it's like a pitbull concert and then it's me good afternoon students and

teachers I promise that if you choose me for student council that we will have more hours in the computer lab and also we will have more book drives so that we're better prepared for middle school and if you vote for me then you can have some chocolates I don't get that reaction I get silence so as I walk back to the seat I know I screwed up and I'm gonna lose all the girls in my class they're looking at Marsha and they're giving her thumbs ups and the boys they're never gonna vote for me Marsha is so pretty and I think they might be jealous

of my ability to grow facial hair mrs. Knox comes to the front of the classroom and she announces our class council representative is Marsha Cutts I'm really upset but what I don't expect is that Marshall will win by just one vote Marsha wins by my vote I vote for myself it's been so long I don't remember what the classroom looks like I don't remember what the kids look like except for Marsha but she hasn't responded to my facebook friend request but what I do remember is that that was the first time in my entire life that I feel sheer disappointment in myself not for losing

but for not believing in myself and ever since then I've gone on to believe in myself thank you it's been the opposite whenever I want to do something I look up and I'm like what are my parents gonna think what are my friends gonna think what are the strangers on the internet gonna think am I gonna get likes am I gonna get comments and if I don't think I'm gonna get that external validation I'll back down which is weird because it's humans humans we generally will believe in anything right like the earth is flat or like Bush did 9/11 I mean each of us believed

for like ten years that once a year a chubby white guy breaks into our houses eats our baked goods and leaves junk and we're like sounds legit I believe in that but the one belief that we challenge every single one of us is belief in ourselves which is ridiculous I mean listen if you want that to me more hair cut honey what you've been holding off cuz your friend says you're gonna look like a Japanese schoolboy do it vote for yourself or if you want that promotion but you're afraid what you're gonna hear No vote for yourself because ultimately the only way to overcome self-doubt

is to take out your gel pen write your name on that piece of paper and stuff it in the ballot box and I want to tell you guys that if it's too hard if you just can't vote for yourself I'm not gonna vote for you cuz I'm voting for myself because at the end when all of this goes away and it's all said and done the only vote that actually matters is your own one exception judges if you vote for me you can have some chocolate

Transcript generated from the recording and lightly cleaned. Some names and wording may differ from the spoken speech.

Transcript

I am an awful mother it's a kid for a Saturday morning I'm sitting on my green velvet couch shaking poring over texts finally seeing the subtext I had missed the veiled criticism the piqued interest in my agenda the concern for my daughter I learned in no uncertain terms that not a good person not a good woman not a good mother have you ever been punched in the gut that's what this feels like have you ever been punched in the gut by someone holding a razor blade that's what it feels like knowing that these are the closeted whispers some of the people I love most in

the world it cut I'm hurt but I don't question it for a moment I mean of course of course listen if the people you trust most in this world think that you're the worst then you're the worst there's no denying it I mean it is all true I stepped away from my marriage we taught her doesn't have a stable home anymore I don't have a predictable income I've been this way for years and when my daughter falls down I didn't even brush over to pick her up I mean it's all true and I know my daughter deserves better she deserves the best kind of mother

the right kind of mother so I don't hesitate I open a browser and research how to kill myself now Google's a little bit of a trickster because when you search for suicide instructions you don't get instructions you just get a list of websites telling you why you shouldn't kill yourself not helpful and there's no time to read there wasn't time to think I need to figure this out by myself I'm against guns so those are out and I don't know what the lethal dose of gummy worms is but I'm pretty sure I don't have enough then lightbulb I run to the laundry room and grab

a plastic bag let me sit down this is it the end of my life I have to kill the world's worst mother I placed the bag over my head and he think about my little girls perfect face and take a deep breath my final breath this is when it dawns on me that you can't actually kill yourself this is how it works but as I'm sitting here the minutes ticking by and little boy so I start to read the bag I didn't know that would get a laugh the plastic reads winners I had the same reaction this sends me into hysterics I rip the bag

off my head and I laugh like I'm crying cuz I'm laughing so hard this is so ridiculous like this goes against everything I believe in I mean yeah sure I'm now a for awful but what is this scarlet letter it's it's from a story do you know it it's by a Nathaniel Hawthorne it's about a different woman in a different place at a different time who also is not the right type of woman but what is the right type of woman we know that if you're kind of a virginal state you're still approved although if you're anything else you're a [ __ ] we're stay-at-home

mothers they're anti-feminist although working mothers are absent mothers and their kids are gonna grow up to resent them we're too fat we're too skinny were too bossy were too vain or too opinionated not opinion enough or too meek it's exhausting and we can't just blame men for this right cuz we put and we abide by these unattainable ill-defined standards for women hood and when we inevitably fail we throw stones at each other but we pretend that we're throwing flowers because that way we get to mask the condemnation is concern oh my god did you see Souza's insta who's watching her baby in Hawthorne's book the

a stands for adulterer and the red means sin but who says it has to I mean sure I'm not anymore but that's cuz I walk away from situations that make me feel inferior and yes I don't have a job but I have a business one that I built myself with my own hands and my heart and my brain and when my daughter falls down I don't pick her up because I want her to learn to pick herself up like her mother does and just like my mother did because my mother she wore in a - you know the type the awful single mother but let

me tell you that woman she's eight for audacious and I'm so grateful for her but above everything else I'm grateful for a very funny plastic bag

Transcript generated from the recording and lightly cleaned. Some names and wording may differ from the spoken speech.