Priyanka Saju

Transcript

I have a confession to make for most of my life my identity hinged on the idea that my value was something that could be measured outside of me held up by shoddy scaffolding of obligations and personas I felt I needed to perform the good Indian daughter the hard-working career woman the supportive friend that had it all together I spent so much time decorating the outside of my life that I hadn't noticed how broken and dated my inner world was eventually one night in the bathroom of a chicken restaurant my world came crumbling down you see I often wonder what the best part is of growing

up in the information age access to all of human knowledge the ability to flirt with someone with the swipe of your thumb now in my case my favorite is the ability to go online and diagnose my health symptoms in my case it was the ability to go online and look up the symptoms of my very first panic attack while it was happening what a time to be alive or according to my WebMD results what a night to potentially die but premature heart attack now I'm not a doctor nor will I ever play one on the internet again but I'm pretty sure I didn't die that

night in fact I didn't even have a heart attack not even close it turns out a panic attack can feel a lot like you're dying there I was heart racing unable to catch my breath feeling what I could only describe is outright mortal terror luckily I survived that night no thanks to WebMD but my understanding of who I was didn't that night kicked off an 18-month stretch of panic attacks agoraphobia and a deep distrust in myself in my body it would also be the turning point that would put me on a trajectory to a whole new life a whole new identity yes for you astrology

nerds out there it was full freaking sad returns now before this experience I had what you might call a type-a personality excessive ambition and need to win a deep desire for control what was giving me all that drive was it an instinct for success or some good old-fashioned immigrant guilt I'll never really know but what I do know is that I had somehow over achieved my way into a full-blown midlife crisis that night taught me that I had to make a change trouble was my type-a mind had no idea how to do that I did everything possible to fix it I read self-help books all

of them I listen to podcasts all of them I made lists and goals and plans only to leave myself more lost and confused see somehow I turned my healing into another opportunity to achieve and it left me feeling more anxious and confused by the day finally when I'd done everything I could possibly do to fix it and tried everything it had occurred to me that I had been so concerned with telling a good story about my healing journey that I hadn't bothered to travel it it was then that I decided I had to do something drastic something crazy I had to let go of doing

and let myself just be I had to give myself permission to pause take a deep breath and open the door to my own freedom to face the things I hadn't wanted to face about myself because they were too inconvenient to the identity I was living to sit with the only person I'd been avoiding myself and listened they say the best way to manage a panic attack is to try not to resist or control the situation that the best way around it is actually right through it it was learning that lesson of surrender that helped me to sit in my stillness and only then was I

able to ask myself the most important most terrifying question of them all who are you really on the inside the answers came and they continue to show up every day I dare to ask you see I've made peace with my anxiety I know that it's the gift that has brought so much presence into my life presence that's helped me to build my inner world up from the inside and I'm happy to report that today my inner world is beautiful it's filled with curiosity and creativity and boldness I have found my voice and I'm ready to use it and most importantly I know right down into

my core that my identity is not tied to my productivity and yours isn't either see I can see the positive in this experience now but I know how serious anxiety can be studies show that young people today are some of the most anxious generations in history that the pressure to curate our lives and project success have never been higher to them I say we are so much more than the vacations we take the work we do or the boxes we tick we are not the stories we tell about ourselves that when it comes right down to it our identity is an inside job and if

you still find yourself one day in the bathroom of restaurant looking up your symptoms I hope you remember that you're not alone thank you

Transcript generated from the recording and lightly cleaned. Some names and wording may differ from the spoken speech.