Renee Paser-Paull

Transcript

i'm in my car listening to a local talk show the topic is about the conviction of a long-time serial rapist my brain goes up is i hear a caller say i can't ever love anyone i can't have anyone love me i can't have a job i can't ever feel safe soon all i can hear is this chorus of i can't i can't i can't i can't and then she says because i was raped 10 and i'm waiting to hear 10 days 10 weeks 10 months but she says because i was raped 10 years ago and now i'm yelling at the radio yes you can because

everything she says she can't have or be or do is my life after a stranger broke into my home in the middle of the night stabbed me and then raped me there's a lot i go through in dealing with what happened to me mixed in there are times when i feel so proud of what i did to survive and other times when i'm just a mess and completely fall apart one of the worst things is when i try to talk to people i know about it they so often just shut me down it's clear that they are uncomfortable i'm already struggling with feelings of shame

blame and guilt like why didn't i have locks for those open windows why didn't i take self-defense classes why didn't i pepper spray under my pillow all those stalled conversations just add to what is already so painful trauma like that what i experienced it creates an invisible wound a wound that's toxic and can spread like poison a wound so deep like where i was stabbed that it has to heal from the inside out healing that takes time and definitely requires help the first time i speak publicly about what happened to me is almost two years after the man who attacked me was caught the memory

is so vivid i'm at a dale carnegie session i start with this eleanor roosevelt quote no one can make you feel inferior without your consent even though i'm shaking i tell this group of 20 people that i've just met a few weeks before my story by the end i'm pouring tears but inside i feel stronger more powerful and i know i'm not going to be silenced any longer oh wow that standing ovation sure helps radio woman as i like to call her hadn't found a way to heal she was locked into a prison stronger than any bars a rapist might be behind radio woman couldn't

hear me yelling at her but i heard her so loud and clear radio woman was my why she was the catalyst that made me realize i had to get my message out there now when i get a chance to say what i do almost always someone comes up to me later and discloses that they or someone they care about has experienced sexual violence i acknowledge their courage taking that step toward healing because trauma that you bury stays scary trauma you release brings peace you

Transcript generated from the recording and lightly cleaned. Some names and wording may differ from the spoken speech.