Sandra Elia

Transcript

you can learn a lot about life riding a hoverboard lucky for me my nine-year-old daughter sophia taught me how she promised it would be easy and i can assure you it was not the hardest for me was learning to go forward it required so much confidence shoulders back look ahead and lean in with faith now going backward was easier and safer but really didn't feel as good and the only way to get over my fear of falling was to know i could just get back up and it seemed the more i relaxed and the more i had fun well the better i did sophia seemed

to know these things instinctually maybe there was a time i knew this too a time before the courage the playfulness the belief in myself had been conditioned out i wondered if there were others like me and i discovered a study nasa did on sixteen hundred five-year-olds and they found that 89 of them were creative geniuses that means that you and i were likely a creative genius they followed those children into adulthood and sadly that number dropped to two percent why could it be the constant judgment criticism censoring we tell our children color in the lines line up straight and don't get out of line are

the terrible twos really that terrible until they annoy us because they remind us of everything we abandoned playing at will without regard to your schedule having the courage to expect only good things and feeling my feelings to the fullest no two-year-old's a people pleaser did you and i have it all figured out sophia has an internal guidance system maybe i don't need to control make her conform she was born with an inner knowing maybe my only job does not do that we all come into this world perfect remember the last time you went to the maternity ward and you saw those brand new babies and

thought oh look at this one this one is an angel oh and this baby here perfection and this one this one here pure evil said no one we all come into this world free free of burdens free of conditioning my mom was born in southern italy in the early 1930s and she had four children i was her baby and the only one to receive a middle name which i only found out about when i turned 16 and applied for a social insurance number i remember the day the letter came in the mail opening it up seeing a name i didn't recognize that i could barely

pronounce which means to be released freedom this was my mother's home for me that i would be free from her conditioning released from her fears released from her feelings of inadequacy and unworthiness i passed that middle name on to sophia but have i really liberated her she is my greatest teacher i love her unconditionally so long as she combs her hair and doesn't embarrass me continues to get good grades so i can rag and becomes wildly successful so my life has meaning sofia on the other hand her love is truly unconditional no matter what i do what i say or how i act her love

is unwavering have i liberated her sophia is the single greatest blessing in my life i had her late life and i really really wanted a girl i'll spend all my days being grateful for her i can't mess this up with my conditioning to uphold her wholeness i must heal my brokenness so i'll leave you with the final lessons on how to ride a hoverboard in sofia's words mommy your mind is connected to the board if you think you're stuck you're stuck if you think you're gonna fall you're likely gonna fall and if you believe well then you can ride pretty wise words for a nine-year-old

you

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it's 3:00 a.m. and the phone rings it's dad mom isn't right and the adrenaline pulls me out of bed and into the car on a cold winter's night the drive over is short and my mind is racing this has been the story of my entire life caring for my mother living with obesity and bipolar disorder but tonight she's gone into diabetic shock I arrived to find her naked disoriented and in pain I call 911 only to have the paramedics arrive and say you are too heavy for us to lift we have to call the fire department and I watched as that shame landed on my

mother two years later obesity would take my mother's life at the age of 69 I could not save her travel back with me to a warm summer afternoon it's 1981 I'm sitting with my Raggedy Ann doll in a velour couch watching General Hospital I so far too sophisticated for this eight-year-old when my mother calls me into the kitchen and she grabs my arms and she presses play on her favorite tape of self-loathing Sandra what have I done with my life you need to help me can't you see I'm sick and I need you to help me and I breathed in that responsibility I mean how

lucky am i y'all people spend a lifetime looking for their purpose some climb Kilimanjaro and ask the heavens others spend seven years in Tibet some eat pray and love across the globe not me at the tender age of eight my life purpose was handed to me on a platter so I put Raggedy Ann doll down I fixed my ponytail and I went to work my life purpose was clear I was going to save my mom and if I could fix her she could love me back and I would matter and as the years went on the weight of my responsibilities grew the five AM alarms

that would go off so I could get to Mom's before work make sure she takes her meds check under her tongue every Friday night pulling into her driveway Packt because I needed to babysit her for the weekend she didn't want to be alone well five blocks away my husband sat in our home alone weeks at a time at her bedside in psychiatric wards trying to find that perfect cocktail of mood stabilizers and antidepressants I was committed to my life purpose I was gonna save her then one day I boarded a plane to Arizona I'm 29 years old I am a hundred pounds overweight I am

miserable I am depressed my marriage is crumbling the damn seat belt will not fit and I am NOT asking for a seat belt extender so I hide the seat belt under my belly flap and the flight attendant doesn't notice and the shame washes over me shortly after takeoff we hit turbulence the kind that ensues terror and the attendants are scrambling to their seats and all I can do is hang on to the armrest and I'm hanging on and I'm hanging on and it's exhausting my life is exhausting I can't hang on anymore at 40,000 feet in the air I can see clearly my mother was

self-destructing she was going down and I was going down with her she gave that eight-year-old an impossible task I couldn't save her and I spent years believing it was my fault the plane touched down safely and everything had shifted so began my journey back to myself paved with self love and self acceptance all 260 pounds of me at the time I stopped using food as a drug and I ended my family legacy and reclaimed my purpose so that when I stood in her kitchen once again I'm few mere months before she died I saw my mom I really saw her mental illness and obesity robbed

me of a mother her life was tragic and it was filled with sorrow and I accepted her exactly as she was and I accepted that I would not know the comfort of a mother and I would not find solace in her embrace all I ever wanted from her was to be well heal her relationship with food and find fulfillment these are the gifts I give my daughter so I ask you have you ever tried to save someone have you ever tried to make someone happy have you ever tried to live for someone else it doesn't work and it's heartbreaking the greatest gift we can give

is to step into our own power claim our own gifts live our own life purpose and this is what I'm trying to teach my daughter will you travel with me again once more to a warm summer afternoon I can see my eight-year-old running ahead of me on the boardwalk and she is flying a kite and it's dancing in the blue sky and I call her over and I wrapped Sofia in my arms and I whisper I love you I want you to have your own life you're free you're free

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go into the chapel and um gonna get married go into the chapel and um gonna get devastated gee I really am uncertain and we're gonna get divorced going to the chapel of love I'm 20 years old at the chapel doors big white dress and a 4-foot train and there is a man at the end of the aisle who I do not want to marry how did I get here well first I need to tell you where I'm from I am from a mother whose mental illness made her emotionally unavailable unable to connect with me my needs to be her to be seen to be loved

were too much for her and she put her needs on me she wanted me to take care of her make her happy and reverse roles I took it over because it eased the neglect and I decided that if I could just be perfect enough if I could take care of her perfectly then she could get better and she could love me and that didn't happen and I decided at a tender age that I only deserve love when I'm perfect I am from a father who did not sign up for that wife who was rageful and violent and stole my sense of safety at the age

of four I've since learned that children need to feel special safe and loved so when they go out in the world and that isn't mirrored back they reject it they don't want it but I grew up in a home where I was unsafe unspecial unloved and so when that was reflected back to me it felt like home it felt like love and when I was 16 and for the first time in my life someone looked in my eyes and said I love you well you know I was gonna marry him I was starved for human connection so it went ahead and married someone just like

my father and divorced him by the time I was 30 and then I was engaged to someone just like my mother and I ended that when I was 40 so my work is done challenges do not keep us from our dreams they prepare us for our dreams and so I am ready I'm ready to meet mr. right right and how do I attract my soulmate well that's a big question and I always take big questions into meditation and I heard the answer lean back and receive what does that even mean lean back and receive you mean I'm not supposed to work for it I'm not

supposed to prove my worthiness of love I'm supposed to let go of everything I ever thought I knew about love can it all be washed away can the doubt of my worthiness be washed away can the fear of really being seen being heard being loved be washed away all of it just washed away until it's just me and in that stillness in that quiet I can hear the truth I am a beautiful being deserving of love and so are you for no other reason than because you are you so the next time I get married and there will be a next time my vows will

sound like this dear one I love you so much that I'm gonna put me first I promise to be at peace with who I am so I can be at peace who you are I am committed to my greatness so that I can be comfortable with your greatness I take full responsibility for how I feel about you it's all on me and the only thing I ask of you is that you do the same for me now I am open willing and ready for love the question is who else is ready and who's next down the aisle

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I want to tell you that dreams really do come true I don't think you heard me dreams really do come true and I have the proof her name is Sofia and she's my 7 year old daughter I had always dreamed of having a little girl and when I became pregnant at 38 people told me that I shouldn't have a preference pregnant people don't have a preference we just want healthy babies and of course I wanted a healthy baby girl and I wanted strong men by my side and a happy family because I grew up in a very chaotic violent lonely family filled with mental illness

and I wanted my shot at having a happy family and creating a safe home but that dream crumbled one afternoon when I was breastfeeding my four month old and my fiance kicked an ottoman across the living room floor and we locked eyes and that moment hung in the air and I knew it was over because I would not recreate my childhood for my daughter but it still took me six more months to make that decision to leave because the risks were so high it was like standing on the edge of a building and I needed to jump to get out but the risks were this

baby this baby with all of their needs how was I gonna raise her alone how was I gonna go from two incomes to one and how was I gonna go back to my Bay Street job when that league was over I I had to jump but there was no net I couldn't see the net I needed a guaranteed net and I couldn't risk her well-being and I couldn't stay because of him and I had to make a decision and I jumped and the net appeared the net appeared in the most miraculous swaye in a way i couldn't have even put together myself a couple of

weeks later at 1:00 a.m. there's a knock on my door and it's my sister and she's leaving her husband this was a very good thing and now I had somebody who would live with me and help raise my daughter and we would create a happy loving home and then a few weeks after that that Bay Street firm called me and said would you like a giant severance package stay home with her maybe for the next 15 months and we know you want to be a certified life coach and we'll pay for those that course and I was like yes and yes and so that net

appeared but it couldn't appear until I jumped and I went about my way and I became that life coach and then one day a friend a soul sister who just gets me and knows me asked me I guess you're gonna help food addicts and I was like food addicts no no no I can't help food addicts that's very complicated I have nothing to offer them yes I have lost over a hundred pounds fourteen years ago and I was a recovering food I could I can't because food addicts wants give me people to help them food addicts want you know cover of sheep magazine people to

help them and don't you know my biggest fear is you're gonna call me fat and if you call me fat I'm gonna crumble I can't I can't help the food addict so this time instead I just I put my toe on the path and as soon as I set my foot down the universe responded with a resounding yes and the opportunities came and the partnerships came and the doctors came and I was able to create Ontario's first outpatient program for food addicts and I helped create Canada's first residential treatment program for food addicts and the programs were filling and people were recovering and the best

part the absolute best part was I was living my passion I took what I thought would be the greatest curse of my life and I turned it into a blessing and I get to serve each and every day so what you need to jump or maybe you just need to put your foot on the path I'm gonna let you in on another secret but this one's a big one so I'm going to need you all to lean into this secret this one's a really big secret in side of me is this perfect place this perfect place of peace where I fear nothing where I lack

nothing this place inside of me is powerful this place is magnificent and my only job is to work from this place create from this place and see my valium but here's the best part of the secret this lives in each and every one of you

Transcript generated from the recording and lightly cleaned. Some names and wording may differ from the spoken speech.