Sarah Keast

Transcript

sunlight dance through the cottage squeals of joy rang out from the lake as my five-year-old swam with my dad the baby monitor hummed as my two-year-old napped in the pack and plate covered him in a mosquito net hot sticky sweat rolled down my leg as I watched my mom answer the phone and whispered quietly okay I'll tell her the Sun continued to shine the squeals of joy continued to ring out and the baby continued to nab the world continued to turn except mine was about to end my mom looked at me with tears welling in her eyes and said he's dead the walls fell away

the room went dark my legs crumpled and I heard someone screaming in such sorrow and as my mother's arms wrapped around me I realized that person screaming was me I was 41 years old with two young daughters and I was now a widow on August 7th 2016 my husband my best friend and my partner in life died of an accidental heroin overdose at home he had struggled with depression anxiety and substance use disorder for almost half of our 16 years together the life and love we had built together was gone in an instant like a magician's trick he simply left this earth in a puff

of smoke he was here and just like that he was gone later that day I was swimming in the lake with my kids and I floated on my back in a star and stared up at the blue sky water covered my ears and it covered the sounds of the life I had to return to all I could hear was my deafening thoughts and my pounding heart how will I survive this pain how will I live without him and then the most deafening thought of all just slip under if you let yourself slip under you won't have to live without him but then those squeals of

joy from my kids reached me in my floating nightmare and I realized I had to I had to find a way to go on I couldn't give up the next few weeks passed in a hellish blur of shock numbness and pure sorrow I don't remember much I did drink a lot of red wine but that wasn't what caused the memory lapse but what I do remember is my brain screaming at me screaming at me to stop hiding to stop letting my shame about his addiction keep me quiet and so I began to be open and honest and vulnerable about his addiction and about his death

and as I did and as I let people into my pain I felt that weight that I've been carrying for seven years begin to lift and I began to see the power and the life-changing magic that could come from sharing your story and I began to wonder what would happen if I removed the Instagram filter from my life and let the world see the true me with all of its messiness so since my husband has died I can be a real buzzkill at a party someone will kindly and sympathetically ask me how did your husband die and I tell them the truth he died of

an accidental heroin overdose I say for most people that pretty well shuts the conversation right down because in the unspoken hierarchy of death overdose it's pretty well at the bottom but for those people who were willing to sit with their own discomfort and who are willing to sit with my pain magic happens superficial small talk is swept to the side and we get to the messy stuff we get to the hard stuff we get to the deep stuff we get to the good stuff the stuff that human connection is born of and I found the more I shared my story the more I found others

had a similar story to share and sharing my story began to loosen the suffocating hold that grief had on me and it began to put a tiny ray of light into that darkness that was surrounding me so six months into my new and unchosen life I started a blog where I wrote endlessly and I laughed and I cried endlessly as I wrote about grief and addiction and again the boomerang effect of putting myself my holes out into the world was so powerful people from all over the world have emailed me to say thank you thank you for telling your story you are telling my story

and I don't feel alone anymore and hearing that made me feel less alone I felt myself healing that light that was poking in it was beginning to get brighter and by sharing my story and letting others into my pain my sorrow and my shame I was actually letting the light shine in and as this as the opportunities to share and connect and find solace through vulnerability continue to present themselves in my life I couldn't ignore the signs it was clear sharing my story with all its shame filled messiness was how I was gonna get through this and as I did and that light kept shining

in and becoming more and more brilliant Wow did it feel good now let me ask you this how many times have you had the experience where someone has said how are you and you've said great but inside you were nowhere close to great have you ever actually posted a picture on Instagram that shows your messy living room or a selfie where you're not wearing makeup what would happen if you answered that how are you questioned with honesty post those less than perfect pictures Pranay brown wisely says vulnerability is not a weakness it is our greatest measure of courage so I challenge you be courageous share

your story all of your stories I guarantee you that if you take the Instagram filter off your life and let people see the real you with all of your messy bits that brilliant light that shines in will astound you thank you

Transcript generated from the recording and lightly cleaned. Some names and wording may differ from the spoken speech.