Sonia Palleck

Transcript

one love one heart I use a Bob Marley song as a mantra when my life had burned to the ground death and divorce left me alone and afraid I did every healing journey I could get my hands on I took up meditation to slow my breathing down calm my thoughts and control my anxiety let's get together and feel all right I took that advice as well and I threw myself a housewarming party at the condo I just rented I invited every every one I knew in my life at the moment including a handsome architect named Steve when the night was over I was brushing my

teeth I was replaying the scene in my mind him and I standing in the doorway me on my tiptoes us kissing and as I spit into the sink a barely discernable thought floated somewhere in the deepest corner of my mind I wish you were white wait what what did you just say that's what the world says that's not what you think is it I stared deep into my own eyes it'd be better if he were white holding myself accountable for holding that thought was the start of a life-changing Journey for me the next day I phoned my sister I'm a racist you can't be you're

a good and kind person I know what I heard I know what I thought flashback to my parents sitting me down on the couch and explaining to me that if I don't marry someone white I will no longer be their daughter I said okay I was 10 years old I called my best friend you're not a racist it's just Society it's just the way it is is it what do I say I am then racialized it occurred to me that the truth offended the people who loved me turns out being kind and living in separation are not mutually exclusive when we are born and raised

in a society that outwardly values one trait over another that subjects us to comparison and consequences then we will learn and understand the ways in which we are valued conditions conditioned into us the struggle between the moral dilemma and my intense fear of not belonging unfolded I'd like to say it was easy that I self-corrected immediately but it wasn't I was raised in a dysfunctional family in a horribly judgmental Society not belonging is dangerous but if I didn't love everyone I knew that I would never truly love anyone including me it took me months to deprogram myself to to change my core belief from racism

is understandable to racism is incomprehensible to completely eradicate the idea of them in us I know if I were to reflect on my former self I would have insisted on two things that I loved me and I was not a racist neither of which were true but I didn't know that my active acceptance of that belief system meant my passive participation in it until I did you see you have to change our thinking in order to change this reality racism and separation is not the way it is the way it is is that we are equal the way we Act is that we're not when

I stopped believing that the color of Steve's beautiful skin mattered I stepped out of a world of measurement and manipulation and I saw the truth of what we all are equal Inseparable and connected by love and then I found forgiveness I released the guilt and the shame that came from having been part of a system that hurt people even unknowingly I accepted who and what I am and I allowed for the fact that although I am good and kind I'm I'm not perfect the difference is now I am peaceful I clung to an existence built on fear and anxiety pretending to be okay for the

illusion of safety and when I let go of it it was terrifying but what I found was magical I saw the light in my soul and when I saw it in me I could see it in you too I could see it in everyone and it is absolutely stunning it is the energy of human connection on the highest level and it is demanding less fear and more fun it's love one love I put this one heart back together and I'm feeling all right my question question is are you I'm Sonia pic love Advocate

Transcript generated from the recording and lightly cleaned. Some names and wording may differ from the spoken speech.