Stephanie McAuliffe

Transcript

one morning my awkward teenage self inadvertently created a shitstorm on the bus ride to Junior High I declared to some friends that my stepbrother had sexually assaulted me a friend told her parents and it circled back around to my house it wasn't the first time my family had heard about the ongoing abuse though the first time my stepbrother was told to stay away from me I got the sex talk this time he was told to go to a different bus stop I was sent to therapy I didn't need a complete stranger sitting on the other side of a desk asking me questions what I needed

was to be told that it wasn't my fault to be hugged and assured I'd be okay I needed a protector instead I lived in fear of my mother's rejection and wondered why I wasn't good enough by speaking up for myself I brought shame to the family instead of feeling accepted I was told to make ice cubes at that age making ice cubes was one of my chores the water I poured yesterday created the ice cubes for today and I'd refill those same trays again for tomorrow this was a chore I hated because ice cubes represented so much more than frozen water making ice cubes meant

that the rest of the afternoon and evening was lost to cocktails and meaningless conversation my family went beyond the premise that it wasn't safe to talk about sex politics or religion we didn't talk about life we were together but essentially apart there always had to be enough ice cubes for the adults but there was little to soothe me what I didn't realize is that they were numbing their feelings as they'd been taught they sat silently alone with their drinks with ice cubes made by me to help bring them to numb I wanted connection with my family but each time I heard a hand reach into

that ice cube bucket my heart broke a little more so in order to numb my own pain I took a step into my family Legacy except my initial Choice was drugs it's interesting though when I was high I felt something other than numb I could laugh when I wasn't alone and my thoughts or feelings inside I felt really small and this fueled me to prove that I was Worthy come forward with me to the end of my career on Wall Street for 27 years I excelled and worked with a splash of alcohol where my numbing agents of choice I thrived in the chaos and the

adrenaline rush was my fuel I didn't have to think about my life without Wall Street I had a lot of time and space what I didn't realize is that numbing my pain is a shadow that would continue to follow me until I finally turned around to face it at long last I Found the courage to stop swiping left on my deeply held emotions then as the world entered into the pandemic the universe looked me Square in the eye and asked me to choose did I want to continue to be connected via the unspoken family trauma bonds or did I want to be free this began

what I call an energetic divorce I cleared the shame that was never mine to carry I took a new step into my most important relationship with myself I still love my family but for my own well-being I needed to let go of the deep longing of anyone showing up for me beyond what they were capable of a chosen family emerged communities of healers and speakers with a shared mission to heal or internalized trauma and to give a voice to our stories that girl who was frozen in the Silence of her pain who lived much of her life trying to figure out where she fit in

is this woman by thawing my pain into wisdom I've broken many cycles and I wouldn't trade this life I'm living for anything in the world thank you

Transcript generated from the recording and lightly cleaned. Some names and wording may differ from the spoken speech.