Barbara Santen

Transcript

it had been months since we'd made love I felt so unwanted so deprived of affection in touch I wondered what's wrong with me that my man doesn't want me I felt ugly fat broken resentful and angry but mostly the rejection was excruciating I lay there beside him in the bed my heart was racing should I reach out or should I just leave it it felt like the hardest thing I'd ever have to do to reach out to my sleeping husband beside me in the bed for the connection I so craved I took a breath and I went for it I rolled over and snuggled lovingly

up against him nothing I ran my hands over his muscular back and all down his body nothing I could feel him stiffen a little and pull away the rejection was unbearable tears streamed down my face and soaked the sheets I wanted to be very quiet because the shame of him knowing I was crying would be a million times worse this was the epitome of our relationship me pushing and him rejecting I told you a thousand times I need to hear you say I love you what don't you get about that you don't meet my needs to which he would reply you don't meet my needs

either this is how I showed up in the relationship demanding my needs be met by him I thought it was perfectly normal I mean how else would he know what my needs were why wasn't he more grateful why didn't he see how much I did for him many weeks I worked for six plus hours bringing home a fat paycheck we were even going to counseling why was he still pulling away so often when he knew I needed to feel more loved I told him my needs so many times oh he knew all about my needs it was this very pushiness that was putting him off

he was married to a [ __ ] man woman I did everything which was the problem I made all the decisions and was resentful when he didn't make any this was the exact thing that was in the way of our relationship flourishing he felt I didn't trust him and I took his manlihood away by taking over I am masculine at him it inevitably ended I can't be married to you anymore he said I don't know what's happening he said as he ran into the arms of the woman at his work classic I thought have an affair with the secretary but when my harshness and righteousness

were off I came to understand that I had a part to play in the breakup of our marriage in the end I came to truly understand why our marriage broke up and on my part I basically showed up as the man the entire time I thought I had to I was in survival mode for my family and my children and myself but I didn't know there was a different way a softer way to show up in my relationship that would invite him to step into the very things I blamed him for not doing and not being the power of my belief in being right and

being a victim kept me in an endless cycle of unfulfilled relationships and ending up alone my transformation came I fully understood that I had a part to play in the failure of my marriage and in that I had the power to change today I embody my worth in everything I do by being the person that attracts the love and abundance I deserve what you believe to be true is true if you see yourself in my story then just know you also have the power to change your belief to believe you are worthy and she attract what you deserve thank you

Transcript generated from the recording and lightly cleaned. Some names and wording may differ from the spoken speech.