Donald Carr

Transcript

some remember the pain of the past in black and white others choose to forget they are lucky maybe but it's very different when memories are real you remember everything in living color black and white and red all over when i was just a young boy my son went in canada i went to doctor and call it sweet i had a neck in my lower back he cut my bowels in his large hands he asked me to cough a number of times whoa you are a bbc i was confused no sir i am not the british broadcasting channel he diagnosed a prostate checkup he proceeded to

masturbate me i asked him why he was doing what he was doing doc said he needed to call it fluids don't worry you're in good hands i was tongue-tied but i swallowed my fear he slowly unrolled my foreskin it came off as slowly as a banana the doctor cold fingers and feet with my body i was embarrassed by my erection he perspired a lot something is not quite right here i just gonna put a finger on it i'd like to think i'm right but i don't have enough proof i am not a doctor i am not sure i remember this unforgettable feeling this must be

how a woman feels when a male doctor's cold fingers are invading her body guilty and ashamed responsible for his could run but could not hide i watched wide awake how was left was shot and pride i wish the floor would open wide and swallow me inside i closed my eyes and disappeared the doctor filled this test due to glass semen the doctor explained my cop run it over i opened my eyes the doctor inquired did you enjoy that ask the receptionist to book your prostate exam for next week years later i read in the newspaper dr x was arrested he was found guilty of no

need to guess he had a fetish for bbc big black [ __ ] and i was just a boy giving it all away life was not a problem to be solved it was not a reality if i'd been honest it might have been a nightmare many were the consequences i had to face for not accepting responsibility for things too difficult to forget how to remember forgetting forbidden fruits create many germs the most grievous of all is that toxic homophobia the black communities black queers are erased in dark spaces violence is on the place where blacks and whites are equal i was scared i might die

without becoming the man i want to be the process of becoming whole was a healing journey during the covert i stayed on my organized my file i came across a newspaper article concerning dr x the writer labeled him a fruit with a picture of a red apple to illustrate and a sexual deviant because he only desired black fruits the mind forgets the body never i remember the day my innocence died oh my betrays smile into my eyes as he lied in my solitude in my dreams in sleep i cried oh the shame the pain still clean shoot like sunshine is the best disinfectant rub it

in the wood it will hurt but the wound that can be named can be healed life sometimes hides in a place that hurts most and what you can't name hurts you what you can't say owns you i took a red marker and wrote in the newspaper dr x i forgive you i don't accept myself i set the paper on fire and watch traumas like smoke from a cigarette this fear like steam from a coffee pot great dark lakes of male rage everything gone gone gone letting go of the past meant believing in the future i transformed my religion out of courage i decided to treat

myself like i was valuable it's okay to better your dance to believe in your dumb self if you don't who will i am midway along the journey of life dear night i wonder if i'm gonna get it right i don't have time to lose i barely have time to share that here my body says take time to breathe the mind says allow yourself to grow the spirit says fill your heart with love the heart says love as if your life depends on it it does tonight and intelligent black man declare my authentic self as a bisexual male told i shouldn't i couldn't i wouldn't i

said i would i could i did can i get an amen so let it be i'll gamble everything to become what i don't know yet i should become a beacon in the dark you

Transcript generated from the recording and lightly cleaned. Some names and wording may differ from the spoken speech.

Transcript

e equals m c square beautiful people blinded by the light i am a human becoming my story began before donald was born his birth was not my beginning before my soul entered this brief moment of life called the present i was a chrysalis imbibing angel food cake by osmosis in a magical jelly belly aquatic paradise inside this chemical crucible adorned with the cranium halo time performed her carbon miracles with the accidental and fortuitous concurrencies of atoms gene cascades and colliding molecules one enchanted evening a mountain of flesh heaved and low within a pair of minutes from between banks curly with ferns the egg that pleasure

laid in a spasm sparkled mother naked out of a wine red sea into this guardian paradise of earthly delights time inner pain birth to the sun a creature of flesh and blood touch with a fever called living sweat born flesh shivered all over it realized that in this brief loon of a body it was once again caught up in the age-old pressure of living in the flesh magnificently unprepared for the long littleness of life being born is a shock from which i am always in recovery i may still burn up on re-entry so beware time it's so young i was a victim of a series

of accidents as are we all nature blessed me with a jamaican birth as you can see i'm sunkist in my green age i attended school in twig huts ruby throated hummingbirds sung on the rooftops as knowledge rubbished my mind with wisdom it was the best of times my energy was the light squared eternity and over that the wind blew back again each day was a dream that was dying or one that was coming to birth to be or not to be what is the price if i chose to be that was the question do i dare disturb the universe my mind entertained the hope to

be wise only to be told a thousand times otherwise no no no you're not prince hamlet no was bound no was meant to be kiss your great expectations goodbye yes it was dickens of a times but but i had lucifer on speed dial the future gleamed on the horizon adolescence who took me in toronto it was the dawning of the age of aquarius age of aquarius a jump of country boy who didn't know his place i rushed anywhere even angels failed to tread only to be used refused and abused by smiling faces hell is other people and there is no exit esteem took a big

hit talents on honor became talents at war rage a constant companion one proper blue soul pawned in exchange for oblivion even jesus wept but the human soul is indestructible the power of love transformed my rage into courage and triumph over adversity sufferings and injustices successes were not without rewards this child of nature evolved into an intelligent black man telling the truth regardless of the cause the fact that i have lived is not what counts is the difference i have made to the lives of others that will determine the significance of this life i lead heaven is right here on earth only those homo sapiens who

don't know it as yet seeks to leave life is a course in miracles do you remember that time in the beginning once upon a long ago time before time was time the pregnant universe in an immaculate conception brought in matter into existence from out of nothingness the first miracle ever if you would have been there to weaknesses you'd have seen absolutely nothing do you remember the time 10 200 thousand billion years ago but who's counting sweet life arrived expert lies colonized multiplied life evolved to survive survival of the fittest colonized disturbance haunted behold the second miracle do you remember that time time marches on or

maybe time flies lava sheds shells us and disappear shell shock lava's behind wondered what where the hell did michael jackson go but none returned to tell except one love lazarus returned to tell but he didn't tell not even a whisper took out a long story short here comes the third miracle a chrysalis evolves into a new light of ear excess skeleton spits open a dragonfly takes wings and flies away before all rebirth will beautiful people blinded by the light smiling in the dark the acts of love creates a baby such as the miracle of birth we're always beginning love is a constant it's not something

we invented it's what makes us human that is not end it is the most profound aspect of life bones need great flesh so love as if your life depends on it for god's needs kisses and in the universe we all deserve each other so love as if your life depends on it it you

Transcript generated from the recording and lightly cleaned. Some names and wording may differ from the spoken speech.

Transcript

when i was a little boy my molester a man i had known all my life never forced himself upon me he didn't have to he was my hero when he climbed into my bed that first time on the night of my ninth birthday i at last had his total attention said the beast here have some guinness put some hair on your chest it's your birthday i suppose you wouldn't because i'm offering it you think i'm impulsive i know i'm not bloody mr universe but just know and again you might show some interest in me for a change for chrysic why don't you give me a

cuddle just relax close your eyes it's never gonna work out if you're so uptight all right shall we have another game when i was a boy i looked up to my father my father had black skin but he wore a white mask so well that he overcame the soft bigotry of racism's low expectation and moved on up the corporate ladder father was considered successful when i looked in his eyes i never saw myself reflected i know no him nor me but beneath my skin of velvet rage consumed me the mind forgives the body never forgets hurt people hurt people it was not until the day

that i learned that my son had been molested that i was finally able to face up to the fact that i had been robbed of a chunk of my childhood by a man i trusted even though i had wiped clean the evidence of tears the shame the pain still clings i saw it all innocent lambs led to the slaughter i watched wide awake in a nightmare now i know what monsters dream of humans truth is vital to my survival i had to face up to the sad realization that my life was a living lie each lie i told became another nail hammered into my heart

i took many walks on the wild side one purple bruised sword i pawned in exchange for oblivion but novocaine could not mean line my pain away tombstone grew up in my eyes finally i said yes to life began to tell the truth regardless of the cost turn my rage into courage each time i told the truth i pulled another arrow from my wound truth like sunshine is the best disinfectant the wisdom we gain is paid for by or pain and i can tell you it is much easier to bring up healthy boys than to repair broken men the day came my heart was finally rid

of the vice of lion the board was empty all that remained were holes what hell is other people there was no exit the home was where the hell is so i turned to face the beast the man i still love the beast smile i was blinded by the light there was so much beauty in the beast all my rage melted i cried father all i wanted was your love all my dreams was that you would love me now in my soul where you used to be there's a hole into which i fall in today and night father i miss you like hell ali took my

face in his hand silent wiped my silent tears father you should be happy today yet you weep over grievous memories what grandfather did was not your fault never was never will be i'm happy for you you've stopped lying and the nails are all gone yes my son the knees are all gone but the holes are still there

Transcript generated from the recording and lightly cleaned. Some names and wording may differ from the spoken speech.