Helen Xenidis

Transcript

if you don't change the way you're living you're going to die these harsh words woke me from a nap on a lazy Saturday afternoon who the hell said that and then I heard it again Helen if you don't change the way you're living you're going to die what shook me wasn't the fear of any impending health scare or freak accident it wasn't even the fact that I was hearing voices what shook me was that the voice was right I was dying a slow silent death after three full-term pregnancies ending in stillbirth my parents were blessed with a bundle of pure joy me by that point

they had an entire life plan just waiting for a child a plan that had been carefully thought-out through each pregnancy until it was forced upon me like a job description I would be their perfect little Greek girl I would speak Greek fluently I would cook delicious Greek food I would grow up and marry the best Greek guy we would have lots of Greek children and no teho mortgage-free and everything was going according to plan until I was about three years old and I was and I was sitting on my dad's knee at the kitchen table daddy had his big hand cupped over my little right

hand supporting the pencil teaching me how to write the alphabet after a while he stood up put me down on the chair and as he walked out of the kitchen I absent-mindedly transferred the pencil into my left hand and continued doodling he looked at me and the expression on his face changed instantly the energy in the whole room had changed and I knew I just knew I had done something wrong apparently being left-handed was taboo and never part of the plan when I was 10 years old I got 98% on my math test daddy look at this I said proudly my dad looked at the

test and responded okay what mark did the other kids get the weight of feeling like a constant disappointment was a burden that I carried that just got heavier this plan consumed every moment of my life leaving no room for me and no room for my joy in my late 20s my family really began to panic when my marketable youth began to wane I was set up with a nice Greek guy who pointed out reassuringly on our first date that I would make a suitable choice to be his wife when I told my parents that was never going to happen my mother shocked response are you

crazy what's wrong with you he's a good Greek boy they could not understand how I could pass up this opportunity to be somebody's wife by my mid forties I'd had no wedding no husband no house and no children what I had was an unsettled Restless feeling a constant ache an insatiable calling to find my joy so as my 49th birthday approached I knew I had to do something to call in my joy but what Paris I'll go to Paris la la every woman wants to go to Patti so I sit down and I craft the perfect Parisian itinerary I input all my information and I

just can't hit Enter some time passes I sit down at my computer I input all my information and I still can't do it all right third time's a charm I got this every woman wants to go to Paris I sit down at my computer and I crumble Helen what the hell is wrong with you just book the damn trip and this little voice this little three year old voice whispers but I don't want to go to Paris I want to go to Africa are you crazy who the hell wants to go to Africa can you just go to Greece but once the truth is out

it is like a dam has burst yes Africa I Google South African adventures I input all my information and without any hesitation I hit enter I feel this odd tingling sensation in that moment that takes over my whole entire body I feel alive I feel my joy and I am struck with the reality of just how much of my life I have compromised even as a grown-ass woman denying myself of having my own dreams fearful of disrupting their plan and disappointing my family until finally one day finding the courage to say enough this is my life I refuse to reach the end of my life

having only lived as a failure of somebody else's plan and on that first night on the animal reserve under a starlit sky tucked in my sleeping bag surrounded by the sounds of Africa I inhale deeply letting the air fill my lungs as if taking my very first breath and awakening after a life long slumber and I knew in that moment that I was not going to die because I had found the courage to change the way I was living

Transcript generated from the recording and lightly cleaned. Some names and wording may differ from the spoken speech.