Healing from Rape and Choosing Forgiveness
Speaking on the theme Courage at Speaker Slam® in Toronto on Aug 6, 2019, Jessica Mowforth took the stage with a five minute story.
Transcript
taken in a way I would never have dreamt possible I said no he took it anyways rape was my first sexual experience one abuser too on lookers and one traumatic memory that forever changed my life I was fifteen years old and that's when my innocence and curiosity for sexuality crushed into a million pieces I felt ashamed I felt guilty and I felt so disgusting I wanted to wash my skin off with bleach my fear of men and anger was so strong that I would dominate every interaction with fierce conviction to prove I will get you before you'll ever be able to take me this lasted
14 years of my life I was exhausted god I am so tired and I have no idea who I am anymore please show me I couldn't live as a prisoner in my body anymore I was so disconnected from my sensuality I felt cold and dead inside and that's when I found Tantra of course merging both sexuality and spirituality through mindfulness meditation and breath work I was nervous to say the least but I took that first step I was ready to heal and surrender and reconnect to my body for days up north on a beautiful resort it's a fall the leaves are all kinds of colors
and I'm learning about some of the most intimate ways of life it was healing on the last night of the course we were partnered up for what was supposed to be an exercise in connection and trust my intuition was telling me something wasn't quite right but I kept being told let go of control this is why I'm here right and I ignored those feelings in my stomach and then I feel his hand go up my skirt and the other underneath my top I was paralyzed taken again for the next four days i spiraled into a fit of rage and disbelief why why me why is
this happening again how could I not have protected myself I should have listened tears and confusion and shame I could barely breathe I felt so paralyzed and yet so violated how dare he and then something inside of me cracked and I did something I never knew I could I didn't call the police no instead I did a search and made a call it's Jessica and I forgive you hyperventilating cries poured out of him as he managed to pull over his car telling me call the police because he doesn't know how to live any more with what he's done I let him know that what he
did impacted me how it tormented and drib a and then I listened learning his story did not justify his disgusting actions but it did allow me to see him as a human being for 14 years of my life I lived victimized I knew I needed to do something different I knew for myself I needed to do differently so this time I chose to stand for a transformation in sexual trauma and I asked him to register for a program that would support him in healing he accepted I was invited to the completion night of his program where had we seen him again for the first time
he stood up in front of hundreds and delivered in detail everything that had happened and then asked me to stand up so he could introduce me not just as the woman that he had assaulted but also as the woman that had introduced healing into his life and brought him to this place of ownership my life his life and the lives in that room were forever changed the roar of tears and screams was evidence of the creation of possibility acts of sexual trauma and rape are horrific violations and those experiences are not who I am and if you have ever gone through anything like this before
they are not who you are either they do not define us we are not our trauma we are who we choose to be I am love love for women and I stand here with fierce conviction knowing with all of my heart that I am love for men as well I chose to lean into my courage and I found forgiveness not just for him for me
Transcript generated from the recording and lightly cleaned. Some names and wording may differ from the spoken speech.