Lilly White

Transcript

What is the hardest decision you have ever had to make? Mine took less than 5 minutes and I have been living with this solution for the past 15 years. It all started with a phone call. Mom, your granddaughter is in a psychiatric ward. She wants to harm herself. So I'm flying from Ottawa to Moncton immediately. When my daughter met me at the airport, I realized something was wrong. She smelled of alcohol. She spoke the words indistinctly. I wasn't judging. In 1991, I joined the 12-step program.

I know what pain is. And I know exactly what denial is. So I didn't judge. I decided to just watch. As a result, I spent several days in the hospital with my granddaughter. And what I saw scared me. My granddaughter was in that hospital for no reason. She wasn't trying to attract attention. The reason was her mother. And I remember saying to the nurse, "You put the wrong baby here." So that week I continued to watch, gripped by fear. My role as a mother instantly changed to that of a grandmother.

In the end, I did something I never thought I would do. At the time, my husband was serving in the Royal Canadian Mounted Police and was on a UN mission in Haiti. So that night we talked for hours because I knew I had to do something I didn't want to do. The next morning I got up. I dialed the number and called social services for my own daughter. Not because I did n't love her, but because I also loved her children.

I spent a few more days with my granddaughter. And before leaving for the airport, I went to say goodbye to my daughter. And she told me, "I know who called social services." Those were the last words my daughter said to me in her life. Less than a year later, she was gone. She committed suicide. Her pain was very, very deep. You know, sometimes the role of a mother is n't always to be loved. This doesn't always mean being clear. Perhaps the essence of a mother is to love so passionately that you are ready, ready to bear this pain for the entire family.

But you are also ready to show them what joy looks like. That we must live on. So now I want to ask each of you. What would you do?

Transcript generated from the recording and lightly cleaned. Some names and wording may differ from the spoken speech.

Transcript

You can't make this up. And that's the name of my 11th book. And there's a reason for that. Come closer. Come on. I'm kneeling in front of a box that I now know is a coffin and my grand's with me. I'm from Newfoundland, right? My grand's with me and I am so confused because the man in the box, the coffin is also sitting over there in a chair. And I say to Gran, "Grant, what's that guy over there doing in this the chair when he's right there in the box?"

Gran says, "Jesus, child, what's wrong with you? Don't be so foolish and get on with your prayers." So I did. I'm 10 years old and I wake up every night in a sweat because I feel something around me every night. I call them spirits now, but at the time I call them ghosts. Now, this is this is about the time that you're all thinking, Lily girl, you're cracked. But I'm going to ask you something. How many times as a child were you afraid of the dark?

How many times did you run up the stairs because you felt something behind you? See you felt that too. As a medium, I have felt that my whole life. I started and stopped listening to all the noise outside and I started to listen with something the spirit deep in me and my life exploded. It was magical. I opened a dress shop. I had a retreat place. I was writing books. I was taking people to Bali. And then My brother committed suicide.

We had a house burned down. Our beloved daughter Melanie, she died. On the same day that my mother found out that she had stage four cancer, three months later, my dad has a stroke. All gone in three years. You know, when you experience, at least I did that much grief, it crippled me. and I walked right back to the bottle after being sober for 22 years. But I realized something one day. I don't need to be in this fear. I can walk it.

I can come to understand it. there was a woman by the name of Evette, and she came to me one day for a reading. And when she came in, I saw a little girl with her holding flowers. And my mind goes, "Oh my god, what if you're wrong? What is she going to What do you Will she think you're a fake?" But something deeper inside of me whispered, "Ask her." So I did. Evette, did you lose a child? Her eyes swelled up.

Lily, today is my birthday, and I was hoping she'd come through. Now look, I don't expect you to believe what I believe in. But the point is this. The road less traveled is dark. It can be dirty. It's winding. But we don't have to be afraid of it. We need to own it, to walk it, to live it, and love it. Many people ask me all the time, Lily, are you afraid of death? No. I've seen too much of that. And one thing that I know for sure is that there are no endings.

It's only transformation. I've seen too much. I know this. And if my grand was here today, she'd say, "Jesus, Charlie, you puts it all out there." what telling the truth and all that. And I'd say, Grant, how can I ever expect somebody to believe in themselves if I don't have the courage to believe in myself? Yes, the road less travel is hard. Yes, that road is difficult. Yes, you're going to be afraid of death. Yes, you're going to be afraid of grief.

But the most courageous thing you're ever going to do is walk by it. Walk through it. And I can tell you one thing I know is I live in the moment. And the biggest fear that you should have is not living this incredible, beautiful, divine life that you were given. Now get out there and live your life without fear. But be aware, never afraid. See, I told you you couldn't make this up.

Transcript generated from the recording and lightly cleaned. Some names and wording may differ from the spoken speech.