Marci Warhaft

Transcript

a wife a mom a stripper a [ __ ] a motherless daughter an abandoned sister a bereaved parent a jezebel a victim a fighter a failure and a survivor i saw them all staring back at me from the bathroom mirror all of the women i am and used to be for years my reflection was unfamiliar to me i knew who i was supposed to see but i had become so detached from that person that my reflection was unrecognizable until that moment through bloodshed eyes and tear-stained cheeks i saw myself again i saw the good the bad and the very ugly parts that i had loved

and loathed for 45 years a strange feeling of peace washed over me washing away some of the critical voices in my head and replacing them with compassion and forgiveness enough said the voices and with that my tears stopped and the pain i had been drowning in started to ease for most of my life i had felt that i wasn't enough not smart enough not pretty enough not interesting enough i had had my self-worth battered so many times that i was left vulnerable to outside forces and influences that were ready and willing and waiting to take advantage i abused my body through an eating disorder by

binging on food or severely restricting it i allowed my body to be sexualized first by someone i trusted than by anyone who showed me the slightest bit of attention if i couldn't be loved at least i could be desired i started living a double life soccer mom by day stripper slash sex kitten at night and that nearly destroyed me there were times i thought maybe it should i wanted out but the shame and guilt i felt over the things i had done kept me trapped until that moment looking at myself in the mirror i decided i deserve better i deserve to be healthy i deserved

to be happy the only way that was going to happen was if i forgive myself forgiving other people's easy you could forgive someone and walk away you could forgive someone and never see them again i couldn't walk away from myself i needed to stop punishing myself for the mistakes i made when i was just trying to survive i did the best that i could i knew that i couldn't be shamed if i didn't feel ashamed i couldn't be controlled if i had exposed my own secrets i had let my past keep me imprisoned now i use the lessons that i learned from my experiences to

set me free and my body i've loved it i've hated it i fed it i've starved it i've abused it i've protected it i've shown it in pride i've shown it in shame i've shared it passionately i've shared it punishingly i've wished it were different i've been happy for how it was i thought to keep it alive i've wondered if it was worth it i decided that it was you you might judge it people do you might love it you might hate it you might think it's too big you might think it's too small you might ignore it completely it doesn't matter my body tells

my story the good and the bad the predictable and the shocking the sympathetic and the scandalous if i invite you in leave your judgment at the door and wear something comfortable because there will be dancing lots of dancing you

Transcript generated from the recording and lightly cleaned. Some names and wording may differ from the spoken speech.