What If Your Father Was Your Harshest Critic?
Speaking on the theme Love Lessons at Speaker Slam® in Toronto on Mar 26, 2019, Michelle Gibson took the stage with a five minute story.
Transcript
last 30 years I mean I hate her you're not good enough you're incompetent you're a loser I take a step back from the mirror the seeds of my self-loathing were planted at a very young age there was a time when I had studied for hours and hours for my grade 9 math test I was a very conscientious student when I got my grade back of 90% I felt incredibly proud I rushed home to show my dad imagining him saying congratulations giving me a great big hug but instead he said where's the other 10% maybe you need a tutor I could feel my face burn hot
and tears swell up in my eyes in that moment all of my insecurities all of my inadequacies rushed to the surface yet again over the years his harsh words became my harsh thoughts not only did I internalize them I magnified them I distorted them I measured myself against unrealistic standards of intelligence of beauty of perfection that was unattainable and punished myself when I fell short my self-hatred was fueled by every fault real or not I'm not good enough I'm incompetent I'm a loser they say a woman's relationship with her father shapes her future relationships with men well my relationship status has been set to it's
complicated for way too long the stories that I created as a child profoundly affected my dating life I looked for my validity my value my self-worth and every man I met and those twisted stories made me feel so insecure about dating that for a while I didn't even date at all but I wanted to push through my fears push through my insecurities so I challenged myself I challenged myself to go on 50 dates in 50 days I was going to find one man to love me unconditionally I was going to be good enough so I gave myself a makeover posted my selfies armed myself with
a smile bright lipstick and my very own copy of the Kama Sutra but date after date I kept coming home with feeling I'm pretty not good enough just not lovable before one of my dates had called home and my dad answered and he as usual started to criticize me but in that moment I found my voice and he said dad why do you do this why is it so easy for you to find fault in everything that I do but so hard for you to see all that I've accomplished in that moment I confronted him and all the memories that had been scorched into me
where he made me feel not good enough finally he said Michele I never meant to hurt you one day you too will know what it's like to love someone so much that all you want is the very best for them I had goose bumps in that moment as I realized that the stories I had been writing were pure fiction his being overly critical was the only way he knew how to show love and just because he didn't show his love in the way that I expected or the way that I deserved did not mean that I was unlovable not good enough or unworthy this has
been the greatest lesson of my life since that realization I've been able to begin loving and accepting myself on my own terms I had a new challenge fifty days of self-love how many of us waste our lives living out stories that are untrue stories of I'm not good enough I'm not pretty enough I'm not smart enough stories that other people have written and we've taken on as our own I've been on the journey to rewrite my story and there's no quick fix that journey is filled with all of those old stories old programming and bad memories that don't just disappear I may not have had
control over my story in the beginning but I now have a firm grip on my pen and with every ounce of my will with every breath in my body with every stroke of my pen it will be a best-seller thank you
Transcript generated from the recording and lightly cleaned. Some names and wording may differ from the spoken speech.