Navi Bliss

Transcript

it's the late 90s and i'm walking down the hallway at school when i notice a poster for night classes i rush into the guidance counselor's office to let him know that i need to sign up are you sure he asks you already have more than enough credits to graduate yes i love learning i beam but what my counselor doesn't know is that the thing really driving me is the fear of my mother and the desire to spend as much time away from her as i can he lets me know the crowd is a bit different at night school on my first day as i walk

in i look around and i immediately second guess my decision these aren't the types of people i'm used to seeing in school most are older and they look like they have a criminal record when i walk into my room i see a group of kids who look nerdy like me sitting in the front and i sign relief i walk over to one of the girls and i ask if i can sit next to her she looks confused as the room is still half empty but says yes smiling i sit down and i start talking to her she's sweet and easy to talk to i chat

with her all through break avoiding the criminal looking kids in the hall class ends and in no hurry to get home i ask her if she wants to get ice cream she looks at me a little surprised yeah i would love to thus began a weekly routine there were many late night ice cream dates and homework reviews it was fun and then night school ended and we lost touch years later i'm sitting on my living room floor lost and paralyzed a shadow of a person peeking out from behind a mountain of tissue my marriage has ended my husband had an affair and a child with

someone else while we were still married i'm wondering how i can even go on living the world might be a better place if i didn't exist the pain of rejection burned so bright inside of me i'd already survived a childhood of torment and abuse at the hands of my mother not having her love had left a hole the size of an ocean in my world now to be rejected again by someone who had vowed to love me for the rest of his life how am i supposed to move on from this the problem clearly has to be me it seems like no one can love

me i'm standing on the edge of an emotional cliff ready to let go it feels too painful with each passing month i fall deeper into this pit of despair the tears keep flowing lubricating my hands making my grip on this emotional cliff harder and harder to hold on to i can feel myself slipping something jars me back to reality it's a message notification grateful for the distraction i open it right away as i start to read it more tears flow but for a different reason i'm in shock this message now dear navi i don't know if you even remember me i've been wanting to send

you this message for a long time i don't think you realize the impact you had on my life i was struggling so badly when we met things have been really bad at home and life was really hard i wondered if i even mattered to anyone i was on the edge of an emotional cliff ready to let go until you came along with your smile and your warmth you offered your friendship and kindness without hesitation you made me feel like i was seen and mattered and by doing that you pulled me back from that edge without even knowing it life is good now and i'm really

happy i married a wonderful man and i have a baby and i'm so grateful i didn't go off that cliff and that is very much because of you and the kindness you showed me i wanted to write you this letter to say thank you how could this be coming to me now when i'm on the edge of that same cliff questioning if i matter the letter is from the girl i went to night school with i remember her of course but we were never that close were we she was just a night school friend how could i have had any impact on her life i

barely knew her i hadn't done anything special i had just been myself and then i realized this was the universe answering my question i mattered i was enough me being me showing up in small moments of kindness had been enough to save someone's life and her showing up in gratitude had been enough to validate my existence and save mine right back i learned that no kindness is ever wasted all the love you put out there is making its way back to you when you can see it and when you can't the small moments are the big moments your existence alone has the power to help

heal someone in ways you may never even realize so never underestimate the healing power of the smallest kindness your smile your radiance your warmth are creating ripples of impact that just may be the thing that changes someone's life

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i gazed at my reflection as i put on the powder pink dress in my in the mirror i felt like baby from dirty dancing and i did a little twirl i couldn't wait to show my boyfriend my dress if i felt this magical already in this dress how would i feel once i got his praise and admiration i stepped out of the bedroom and i did a twirl that's what you're wearing what are you trying to do get the attention of another man that's way too sexy you should go change my heart sank i feel good in this and i don't have time to change

i could feel the tension in the air and the anger and disdain seeping from his pores as he drove me to the club to meet my friends i let it roll off my back it didn't matter he'd been so amazing he was allowed an off day after all the hurdles and heartbreak i had finally found that magical relationship i was looking for i knew because it felt so right and it'd be going at lightning speed we'd moved in together just a few short weeks after meeting sure it felt terrible the way he spoke to me when i came out in my dress but i shoved

it down and i chose to focus on the good how lucky was i even though he had to work that night and he couldn't join me he insisted on dropping me off and picking me up when i went out with my friends i had such a great time dancing with my friends that i almost forgot about the tension earlier that evening the dress really was something i was showered with compliments and attention later that night when he came to pick us up my friend and i gushed about what a great time we had she started talking about all of the attention i got he seemed

to smile and laugh about it and i felt reassured that everything was okay and earlier in the night had just been an off-color moment boy was i wrong as soon as she got out of the car that's when he let his anger out i told you not to wear that how many men did you make out with none i just went to dance and have a good time with my friends well that isn't really something a woman in a relationship should be doing and especially not dressed like that when we got home it only got worse he yelled at me and called me a dirty

as he shoved me into the shower to wash off my filth in the shower i let the water wash away my tears and bad feelings and tried to convince myself that everything was okay my longing to be loved so deep after a childhood of abuse that i was willing to endure anything just to be loved even a little bit i came out of the shower hoping and praying that things would be better they weren't he didn't let me sleep in the bed that night as i laid on the couch crying myself to sleep the pain of wanting to be accepted and the fear of rejection

burned so bright that it quashed the gentle voice coming from my soul telling me that no one deserved to be treated that way a few days later when he finally broke his icy silence i just felt so relieved that everything was okay i brushed aside his bad behavior i shoved down those heart feelings after all i've been abused in my life really abused physically abused by my mother so this didn't count right i mean it wasn't that bad at least he stayed and tried and was nice most of the time walking away from a relationship that isn't serving you when you've been hurt and beaten

down can feel like the death of your dream to be loved but one day i looked in the mirror and i saw the little girl who had yearned for her mother to love her and was taught that love was pain and she looked back and she saw the woman staring at her that was now accepting pain and abuse and i decided to grab her hand and say no more and never again in that moment i decided to be the hero that she needed so i threw away all the lies that she'd been told about what love was and shaking with tears in my eyes i

started to walk past the fear that i would be alone forever i tore past the idea that maybe not that bad was all that i'd worthy of i ripped past the idea that i had to shrink myself down in order to be loved until i found myself running towards a new version of myself a newly birthed version that didn't allow others to determine what she deserved when you can find the courage to shed the destructive beliefs placed on you by others and let the old version of you die you create the space for the birth of a new dream a dream where you are loved

fully no excuses justification or settling required you

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as i put on the powder pink dress i gazed my at my reflection in the mirror i felt like baby from dirty dancing and i did a twirl i reflected on my life as i finished doing my hair how did i get to this place i had finally found that magical relationship that i'd been looking for all along i knew because it felt so right and everything had been going at lightning speed we'd moved in together after just a few weeks of meeting and i'm telling all my friends i knew he was the one i never had such intense feelings for someone so fast after

finishing my hair i took a minute to reflect on my life on myself as i looked in the mirror one more time how lucky was i even though he had to work tonight and couldn't join me he insisted on dropping me off and picking me up when i went out with my friends how incredibly thoughtful was that i stepped out of the bedroom and did a little twirl for him that's what you're wearing don't you think it's extra what are you trying to do get the attention of another man meet someone else i don't think you should be going out wearing something that looks that

sexy you should go change my heart sank but i looked at him and i said i feel good in this and i don't have time to change i could feel the tension in the air and the disdain and his anger seeping from his pores as he drove me as he drove me to the club to meet my friends i let it roll off my back it didn't mean anything after all he'd been so amazing he was allowed an off day i almost forgot about it as i was dancing with my friends and having a great time the dress really was something i was showered with

compliments and attention all night later that night when he came to pick us up my friend and i gushed about what a great time we had she started talking about all the attention i got and how many men had asked for my number he seemed to smile and laugh about it as we dropped her off i figured everything was okay once she got out of the car that's when he let his anger out i told you not to wear that how many guys did you make out with none i said i just went to dance and have a good time with my friends well that

isn't really something a woman in a relationship should be doing and especially not dressed like that when we got home it only got worse he accused me of making out with another man and he made me shower and he wouldn't let me sleep in the bed next to him that was the first night i knew in my gut that it wasn't okay i brushed it off shoved that feeling way down he was so nice most of the time my friends and family really loved him and i had been abused in my life really abused physically abused by my mother so this didn't count right of

course everyone's partner wants them to wants to have a say in what they wear and wants to know who they're with and what they're doing right it just meant that he cared he was doting and he was loving and there were moments that he was so kind and so sweet this is how i justified the behavior to myself i think deep down after the years of abuse for my mother i didn't believe i was worth more it's just that those moments kept growing i stopped trying to dress nice i started to shrink down more and more becoming a little smaller every day but as i

got smaller the voice inside me grew louder and louder until i couldn't push it down anymore and one day i looked in the mirror and i realized i couldn't recognize myself i asked myself how did i get to this place i was scared i didn't think i was worthy or deserving of more of real love but what i knew is that i couldn't handle one more moment of shrinking myself down into that relationship anymore and as i stepped away and rebuilt my life i was forced to face how much of me he had actually stripped away in this relationship in putting myself together i realized

that destroying someone's spirit is just as detrimental as hurting their body no one has the right to make you feel small someone who loves you will never want you to be a lesser version of yourself they will want you to stand in your power and admire you for your sparkle the voice you need to shut out and push away isn't the voice coming from your soul it's the one of your abuser respect is your birthright and you should never have to settle for anything less you

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hey can i have your chocolate bar she asked surprised i looked around to make sure that it was me she was talking to sure i said excited that she was just talking to me you're the best she said as she grabbed it and walked off she was the popular girl at school with lots of friends i was the shy girl with no friends that still wore pigtails in grade three i couldn't believe that she'd just come to talk to me yeah i did cost me my chocolate bar but what was the chocolate bar in comparison to having a friend i guess we weren't really friends

but she walked across the gym to speak to me and she called me the best kindness was not something i was used to i grew up in a home with an abusive mother who took every opportunity she had to tell me that i wasn't enough pretty enough interesting enough anything enough this left me an awkward shy girl with no friends all alone and terrified her daily abuse created and fed a monster of unworthiness that grew within me until it consumed me and that compliment as hollow as it was seemed to silence that monster just a little i carried the elation of the popular girl talking

to me as i ran home after school when i packed my lunch that evening i made sure to pack lots of fun treats i could share the next day the popular girl came back to ask me for some treats from my lunch and i had lots to share it wasn't long before her and her friends were sitting with me just so they could raid my lunch for me it just felt good not to sit alone thus became my very first experience of hustling for my worth maybe i wasn't good enough pretty enough interesting enough but if i could just do things and convince people to

like me this quickly became my way of starving the monster within it's years later now and i'm crawling out of bed with the third guy that week i should feel desired powerful and strong look at all the attention coming my way look at all of these men interested in me instead the smell of his cologne on my skin just sickens me sexual promiscuity had been my attempt to regain control over my mind and my body after a horrible divorce a marriage that was supposed to heal me and kill the monster for good until my husband had an affair and a child with someone else during

our marriage i would show him how desirable i was i would show him how worthy i was the problem i was realizing was the cost of that adoration was pieces of me i was no longer giving away treats i could take from a cabinet and replace from a store no these treats were parts of me my body my dignity the more i gave away the bigger that void grew inside of me i was still that little girl hustling for her worth just waiting for someone to like her and see her and these treats were expensive and irreplaceable and the more i gave away the worse

i felt the emptiness continued to grow inside of me this old game of hustling for my worth of giving away pieces of myself doing things to try to get people to like me to reclaim that control over my body wasn't working anymore the stakes were too high i didn't feel powerful or in control in fact i felt more empty and worthless than ever deep down i knew that my worth was greater than the things people could use me for and take from me and i started to nurture that part of myself and as i nurtured her she became stronger until she became the biggest part

of me and i started to realize and she gave me the courage to start showing up and just being instead of doing and trying and i started to realize how much easier life is without hustling to be liked admittedly at times like now i still quiver in my boots i wonder how i'll be received will i be enough will i be interesting enough smart enough pretty enough but what i know for certain is that i cannot and will not hustle for my worth anymore because i know that giving away pieces of myself won't make me feel whole so instead i've learned to ask myself do

i like me do i feel good in my own skin because at the end of the day no one else is going to come and make me feel good in this body or this skin and isn't that just all of our stories wondering if we're enough if you've ever felt like you had to hustle for your worth give away pieces of yourself for validation just know that giving away that power to someone else becomes another way of feeding that monster of unworthiness trying to control you the only way to silence that monster is by filling yourself with your own love and validation because giving away

pieces of yourself won't make you whole you

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have you ever dreamed of taking revenge and imagined how powerful you would feel i certainly have especially when i found myself abandoned at a shopping mall i'd gone shopping with my husband and when i went to buy a gift for a housewarming party he insisted he didn't want to go and would bring the car around once inside i realized i didn't have my phone or wallet i perused for a few moments before coming out to look for him i didn't see him so i sat on the curb and waited after some time i checked the parking lot he wasn't there either i kept going back

and forth between the store and the parking lot all the while my distress was growing then the realization hit he had left me there overcome by shock shame and i was unable to hold back the tears too ashamed to ask someone to use their phone i had no choice but to walk the 10 kilometers home thinking hoping he would be there when i arrived he wasn't and during the walk my achilles tendonitis acted up so my physical pain was matching my emotional pain all of which quickly turned into rage i was so pissed i called his cell a million times and left a string of

non-pg messages when he called a few hours later i felt enraged but what he would say would peel back that rage to confusion and pain i was waiting at the mall the whole time and the messages you left were so insane i'm done i'm leaving you he said could this be true when he came back to pack a bag of his things i stood frozen in shock unable to move or say anything when he walked out that door every wound from my past resurfaced feelings of unworthiness swallowing me up i came from a background of abuse my mother telling me i was unlovable and unwanted

meeting my husband and getting married had been a way of affirming my worth someone finally loved me and that made me worthy and lovable suddenly that was all shattering before my eyes in one moment proving my unworthiness again only this was a pain unlike any i had ever experienced before i wasn't an innocent child anymore this was my fault luckily before i could fall too far down the rabbit hole of self-loathing my best friend called me and pulled me back up she had the scoop he had left me at the mall because he had an affair and got someone pregnant and she was having his

baby that day rage washed over me i imagined all the horrible things i would do to him how it hurt him shame him destroy his things ultimately i didn't follow through with a single one i handled the entire divorce with kindness and grace it's not because i chickened out or worried about the criminal repercussions i could have called him out shamed him to his friends and family embarrassed him but how would that make me feel about myself i had to choose between loving me or hurting him because i just couldn't love a hateful vengeful person i realized i have a beauty in me that can't

be diminished by his actions i still have the ability to choose love and every time i do i'll end up loving myself a little more what pours out of you is what's inside of you what's inside me is an unbreakable spirit and how you treat me doesn't change that because i get to wake up every morning and decide who i am how you feel about yourself is determined by the way you show up in the world not the way other people treat you that's your real power your greatest victories will come after your biggest heartbreaks because there is nothing more empowering than rising in courage

you might be thinking but what about my revenge here's the karmic twist because of the fact that i showed up with kindness at the end my ex couldn't demonize me he truly realized what he lost and he has to live with that forever now tell me that isn't sweet revenge

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i need to take you to the doctor to have you looked at because i think you might be [ __ ] or disabled no normal person is that awkward or clumsy look at you look at all your roles and how much fatter you are than all your friends it's disgusting no one is ever going to be able to love you when she said no one would be able to love me she really meant herself those words destroyed me on a daily basis drowning in my tears as i questioned why was i even born if everything about me is worthless and i'm such a horrible unlovable

person why am i here the person saying those gut-wrenching words to me was not a stranger that was every moment of my life and i took on the identity of a victim i was born broken flawed and not enough and what happens when you take on an identity like that the world reflects it back at you for me it came in the way of bullying not being accepted and ostracized at school i felt like i had the weight of the world crushing me and ripping at my heart i didn't know how to deal with it i didn't know how i was supposed to keep going

i tried to be a better daughter i tried to look better lose weight get the best grades be more accomplished be kinder i kept trying trying to be more stuck in this frenzy of trying trying to be better trying to be enough trying to be lovable trying to be loved it never was enough for my mother or the kids at school all the while plummeting deeper into my broken not enoughness and just when i felt like i'd reach the end of my rope when i felt like i couldn't handle one more ounce of loneliness or pain the universe brought me an angel there she was

standing there in my grade seven class she greeted me with the biggest smile i love your shirt it looks so pretty on you she said i smiled back a little shocked she continued are you new here i nodded yes with warmth and excitement she said you should come sit next to me suddenly i felt all warm and fuzzy on the inside she didn't look at me like the broken not enough thing i believed myself to be she just looked at me like someone she wanted to be around someone she wanted to be friends with and the more time i spent with her i started to

see myself through her eyes ultimately it would be a long process over many years but she helped me to start loving who i am by reflecting back a more authentic version of who i was a version she was able to see because she was looking through the lens of love the truth is the only way you'll ever be a victim is by taking on the opinions and impressions of other people their impressions are a reflection of themselves and when they show up in hate they'll see that reflected back in the parts of you they can't accept in themselves as was the case with my mother

and when they show up in love they'll see you in all your wondrousness as was the case with my friend don't let the brokenness of someone else taint your identity embrace yourself in all your glory the things my mother saw in me have nothing to do with my reality in my life my clumsiness has been a beautiful gift that has brought many happy accidents my ample curves they just make me more juicy and delicious and i am so loved especially by me my identity now [ __ ] fabulous you

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it's christmas eve and the little girl in me is still innocent enough to believe in miracles and that if she goes to bed early santa will bring her everything she wants in the morning i wake up on christmas morning with that twinge of wonder and excitement in the pet of my stomach did it happen did i get what i wanted i linger with that wonder just a little while longer before tiptoeing out of bed i hold my breath in anticipation as i walk down the stairs everything looks the same as the night before tree decorated presents underneath but what i asked santa for has nothing

to do with that i get myself some breakfast and linger with the thought of the christmas miracle just a little while longer i imagine my parents coming down the stairs saying merry christmas sweetie we love you so much go get your sisters and we can all make breakfast before opening presents i run up the stairs and go and get my sisters and we all make breakfast together filling the house with laughter and happiness i get so wrapped up in the thought that i knock over my cereal bowl and spill cereal and milk everywhere the beautiful thought immediately vanishes and fear sets in i rush to

clean up the mess before my mom can come downstairs i managed to clean it up before my dad comes he makes himself some tea and we go sit in the living room the fear subsides and i relax for a few minutes but it isn't long before my mom comes down and noticed the little bit of milk that i missed and that's when the yelling starts she yells at me and then she yells at my dad they continue to fight until he escapes to work work was always the place that he went to escape the turbulence at home even on holidays nowhere else to go i

hide in my room my pillow soaked with tears of loneliness my little heart too broken to even care about the presence santa failed me once again there is no miracle see i'm actually an only child having sisters is just my fantasy and i have an abusive mother that tells me how worthless and unwanted i am every opportunity she gets every day is hard every day hurts but holidays are the loneliest time of year for me they're the only time that i let my little heart dream and wish and hope that things could be different i sit in my room just wishing that the holidays were

over and that i could go back to school and at the same time dreading the thought i know all the other kids will have all these wonderful stories to share of all the fun they had with their families i won't have anything to share and even if i did they wouldn't understand anyway as much as i want to escape and get away from home and my mom i know that going back to school will only exacerbate the loneliness and isolation i'm feeling every year every holiday it would be the same it seemed a little more unrealistic every year yet somehow somewhere that little girl in

me never gave up on her dream of having happy holidays love belonging being accepted and wanted and somehow somewhere the universe kept working to make sure that little girl finally got her miracle it didn't happen at the time i thought it would it didn't happen in the way that i thought it would all that time that i thought my prayers and whispers were being ignored they weren't the universe was working on them all along and it meant so much more because it happened later and in a different way than i could have ever expected my best friend's family took me in as part of their

family she became my sister her siblings my siblings her mother took me in as a daughter and it meant so much more because they chose me they chose to love me accept me need me and want me you might be feeling stuck and alone right now you might not be able to see a way out or a different reality you might feel like your prayers are being ignored but they aren't sometimes we're born into a life that is so painful that it makes us wonder if we even matter if we have value if we deserve to be here but then one day it all starts

to make sense maybe we felt so meaningless and alone because one day we're going to mean so much to so many people and the beauty in that is that we're never going to take a minute of it for granted maybe it's only in the contrast of pain and neglect that we can truly acknowledge and surrender to love and support so if the holidays are feeling hard for you right now and you're feeling lost in despair and loneliness take solace in the knowledge that love is only one right connection away your life can change direction at any moment what christmas looks like for me now a

house full of loving people in matching pajamas and the smell of pancakes wafting from the kitchen and smiles smiles and more smiles this little girl's dream came true and yours can too

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