Vivian Meraki

Transcript

Oh, I'm not having kids. I was on a first date and he asked me about them and I told him and he stared at me like I had two heads. And then this is wild. He spent the rest of the time trying to change my mind. How could you not want kids? It's only the most honorable and selfless thing you could do with your life. Needless to say, there was no second date. He didn't know, but no one was going to change my mind.

I grew up feeling desperately alone. The kind of cultural stoicism that says emotions are weak and self-expression will be given to you. And my mom was actually really worried about me growing up because of how timid and reclusive I was. But I was timid because I'd learned that any form of self-expression was unsafe. And so I hid. I hid my tears, how unwanted I felt, and how hurt I was in my body inside. And I didn't want to be a mom.

Hell no. I didn't want any child of mine to feel the kind of hurt and loneliness I did. And I decided that the only way I could avoid that was to not have kids. Years later, I was talking with an older mom and I told her, "I'm scared of having kids and hurting them." Her response, "Then don't. Then [clears throat] like it's that easy, right?" But in that moment, the notion of choice was introduced. And those two words really stayed with me.

Maybe there was a different way. Maybe I could choose my way out. And I chose. I made it my mission to excavate old trauma, heal, and become the kind of woman who could choose not to harm. Today, I have two beautiful children who are my son and my moon. And while on vacation, I bought my daughter a handbag that she'd been wanting for over a year. She was so excited when we got her this bag that she actually came home and took out all her markers and she decorated it.

And then she came running up to me, "Mama, mama, look. Look." And I looked and I could feel the heat rushing up my neck. My chest clenched as I stared at this bag covered in marker and this old voice. Are you stupid? What were you thinking? But what I said was, "What have you changed your mind?" And just like that, I watched her face crumble and tears start welling up in her eyes. My heart stopped. Did I just make her feel the way I did my whole life?

I screwed up. She went running from the room sobbing and the bag dropped on the floor. And in that moment, I realized this wasn't about her. It was about me. the little girl who couldn't express, who learned silent perfection, and that you don't draw on anything but paper. In fact, you know what? Don't draw. Just memorize your times tables. I did that, too. And I asked myself, what's so bad about her personalizing her bag? It's hers. and no answer came because there was none.

And so I chose. I picked up her bag and I found her curled up in the corner of her room. My angel, I am so sorry. You are excited to show me. But mama reacted badly. I want to try again. Will you show me again? She nodded, the tears still glistening on her cheeks. Well, these ones I crossed off because I didn't like them. But this one, see, mama, I drew a heart with a crown because I love my bag. Yeah, I see it.

And it's a beautiful heart and a beautiful crown. Can we wash off the ones that I don't like? Yeah, I think we can. So, we did. We washed off the ones she crossed off and we even embroidered the one that she wanted to keep. I used to think that not having kids is how I would stop the cycle. But healing stopped the cycle. Choosing is what creates a new legacy. Because legacy isn't just what we leave behind when we're gone. It's what we're passing down now dayto day.

It's in the heart with a crown. Thank you.

Transcript generated from the recording and lightly cleaned. Some names and wording may differ from the spoken speech.

Transcript

I'm 5 years old. I walk into my bedroom and I see these two older boys rifling through my dresser drawer. For weeks, I had wondered where all my precious things had gone. And in that moment, I knew, no, those are mine. They shoved me so hard that I fell back and I hit my head and a goose was starting to form. I was stunned. My parents, they had opened our home to family friends that were immigrating to Canada. They were only supposed to stay two weeks and yet that stretched out over many months.

I didn't know what was going on, but I did know that I couldn't wait for them to leave because those two boys had been bullying me right from the very beginning. I ran back over to where my parents were sitting. What's wrong, Vivian? They hurt me and they're trying to take my things. No, she's lying. I looked at my mother, pleading with my eyes, silence. And then shh. No, it's okay. I'm sure it's just a misunderstanding. A misunderstanding. Have you heard that one before?

Or maybe I didn't mean it like that. It's just a joke. Don't overreact. Don't cause trouble. Or what about the bigger things like you're useless? No one could ever love you. You'll never be able to do that. No one wants to hear what you have to say. As children, we don't believe the things that people tell us because they're true. we believe because we don't know that they're not true. Many years later, I became a mother and I was going through a divorce.

On one particular day, I went up to my co-parents house to help with school drop off. It was one of those mornings where winter is coming. You know those days? And as that front door opened and my son saw me, tears started to show in his eyes. I went in. Honey, what's wrong? I'm not good. Not good. What are you feeling? My throat hurts. I'm coughing and my leg feels weak. I wasn't surprised because for 5 days he'd been fighting a high fever and a virus.

A caregiver in the vicinity intervened. Oh, you're fine. You know, you were just roughousing with your dad yesterday. Come on, let's not bother mama. Put your coat on. Let's go. I looked at my son in his eyes, pleading with me with his eyes. What do you need right now? I want to stay home. That day, I chose to believe my son. I made the arrangements with my co-parent. I carried him up the stairs to bed and I lay him down and we started a new ritual that I call I'm the expert where we teach our children that they're the expert of their feelings and their bodies and no one knows more than them about them.

That ritual is now a part of our family and has for many years. My son is now 10 years old. He's kind, compassionate, thoughtful, but he says what he wants and what he doesn't want and advocates for other people with confidence. Sometimes a little too much, but our bond is stronger than ever. As a parent, we all want our children to grow up with confidence, self-worth, and self-rust. But that starts with us. Because the most empowering thing that we can teach our children is how to trust themselves.

And that starts with us. We have to trust them first. And when we do that, we teach them that confidence is in the knowing. And there's no greater knowing than knowing yourself and how to say no to the things that are not right for you. No, that's not what happened. No, I'm not fine. No, I can do it. No, I am enough. Because the power of no is the power of knowing. Thank you.

Transcript generated from the recording and lightly cleaned. Some names and wording may differ from the spoken speech.