Calissa Ngozi

Transcript

Okay, it's okay. I'm vibing. Oh my goodness. Hello everybody. My name is Calissa Ngozi and I'm so excited to be here with you today. So today I want to talk to you a little bit about the story that I chose. Dumb baby will amount to nothing. Send her back. These were the words that echoed through the hospital with my potential adoptive parents. The doctor told them, "This baby is not going to amount to anything. This baby is stupid. It would be in your best interest to not adopt her and to send her back and ask for somebody new."

Now, my parents, thankfully, didn't take that to heart. If anything, they took it as a challenge. They've already fallen in love with me at this point and let me tell you something, they knew that if they worked with me and if they loved me, that they could turn me into something powerful and with God's grace, obviously it happened. P. S. If anybody wants to go for a ride to find that doctor, we ride at dawn. This is being recorded. The thing that I needed to deal with after learning that story when I was a teenager was am I ever going to be able to prove myself to be more than what other people expect me to be.

And let me tell you something as confident as I come across in those early stages of my life and my career, I really did struggle with what success meant because to me success was measured by everybody else's opinion of where I was supposed to land. Now, I've done a bazillion jobs. Part of it is my ADHD. So, I'm a speaker. I'm a mom, which is a job. I am a professor, a mental health business owner. I go on TV a lot and talk about things.

But, here's the thing. The most important role of my life was learning how to be myself. Now, this was something that I struggled with and it led to burnout. Now, now I see myself as being somewhat of a burnout aficionado. I understand what it means. But, when you're living through circumstances of burnout, you don't always recognize it in yourself. A lot of us, especially those of us that are type A, we see it in everybody else. Oh man, she's burning the candle at both ends.

You know, what is success? But, what I found that I was doing was I was setting myself on fire to keep everybody else warm. I was trying to be everything to everyone all the time. And at some point you need to understand that that's not sustainable. In order to have success in life, you need to prioritize what's important. Self-care is a birthright. It is not a luxury. One thing that I often talk about and I teach is the power of no.

Now, don't get it twisted. No is a complete sentence. And I love saying no. Here's the thing. Is that when you live in a society where your scripts are pre-written for you. Okay, so we have society, we have hustle culture, we have doctors, we have family, we have friends, we have social media. Everybody is trying to dictate who you're supposed to be and who you should become. But at what point do you understand the power of the presence of choosing yourself first?

Now, one of the things that I did once I realized that I was going through this crisis of burnout was once I chose myself, I did the next best thing. I wrote a book. So, my book, The Oxygen Mask Mindset, the principles of this book is understanding that we live in a world that glorifies exhaustion. Right? How many of us are tired, honestly? I'm so tired, you know? That's what I hear all the time. Actually, I really am tired. It's past my bedtime.

Going to wrap this up. But here's the thing. Is that when we start talking to each other in community and understanding the importance of being together, it is an incredible experience to help you overcome those thoughts, fears, and feelings. If there's anything that I know that I want to leave on this earth for my children, it's the legacy that their mom picked herself up and she continued to do it anyways. That even though that doctor in the beginning of her life back in 19-something, I'm a zennial.

I am not a millennial. I do not own that title. Is that my mom chose herself first. And if there's anything that I can leave with you is this. It's the understanding that the road less traveled is you not allowing other people to put their expectations and predictability on you. It's about you choosing your own path. It's about you having the power to write your own story. But remember do not give anybody else the pen. Thank you.

Transcript generated from the recording and lightly cleaned. Some names and wording may differ from the spoken speech.

Transcript

baby don't say a word mama's gonna buy you a mocking bird what am I even saying you're not even here because you're gone the three of you left me you left me to grieve you left me to wonder you left me to feel like maybe I don't even deserve to be a mother growing up adopted in a white family all I ever wanted was to have a little boy or a little girl someone that looked like me I didn't have that growing up a biological connection I don't know maybe it was something I said something I did but my body failed my children I remember

being in my living room on my couch my husband holding me as we both cry you see I had just delivered and lost our twin boys I remember loathing god with every fiber in my being and in that moment how could this happen I remember feeling like I didn't want to live any longer I wanted to take my life I mean why am I here on Earth what is the point but here's the thing a couple months later I started to feel like myself again I wanted to try again and I remember going to my husband and I was just so happy and proud and

I proclaimed to him let's go let's do this I'm ready to have another baby and he looked at me like whoa are you sure like you were just depressed a minute ago you were crying I don't know it was like God came down from the heavens and he was like my child it is time so I went into the bedroom and I was like come on baby it's time let go and let God it is phenomenal when you have a partner that buys in with you now everything was great until we went to the doctor office and in one simple sentence that doctor brought back

all of my trauma you know what he said to me he goes are you sure you're ready to have another baby you didn't even want to hold the one that you had I felt like I had been punched in the gut does he not remember what it was like for me nobody believed me when I said I don't feel right something something's happening with my babies all the nurses all the doctors looked at me and said you're fine it's probably just Dramatics and it was fine until all by myself alone in the hospital room I delivered my first baby boy alone I remember just feeling

so much grief I couldn't hold him at that time I was broken now regardless of what the doctor said I still felt this need to be pregnant this need to have a child so I was determined I'm going to be pregnant again so with the help of a fantastic fertility team guess what I got pregnant again and it was awesome after 56 ultrasounds sub choronic hematoma steroid shots gestational diabetes high blood pressure I had everything wrong with me I was month-long hospital stays I was eating sugar-free Jello like it was going at a style I was binge watching Survivor on DVD after all of that

I delivered healthy baby boys now this is a part of the story that I'm supposed to be super excited but I remember when they handed me the babies and I looked down at them and I thought what have I done I knew looking back that I was suffering from undiagnosed postpartum depression I didn't want anything to do with them I remember that I would lie down in bed and I would pretend to be asleep sleep because I knew my husband would get up and he would deal with them through the monitor I would hear him kissing them hugging them feeding them soothing them loving them

and I I felt nothing then the guilt set in after everything that I'd work so hard for why am I feeling this way why don't I feel that connection and I knew that I needed help but I wasn't brave enough to ask for it I mean I'm kalissa I'm the mental health Guru I'm supposed to know everything and be okay now people would constantly ask me and check in are you okay are you okay and I became a really good liar yeah I'm good I'm fine my marriage is fine the babies are fine everything is fine until it wasn't for me it was about learning

what bravery was bravery isn't always about Triumph bravery is about embracing our unique stories bravery is about showing up for other people even when you can't show up for yourself and asking for help bravery is embracing your unique Journey accepting it and knowing that you don't have to heal alone thank you one speech can change your life Unleash Your power embrace the stri Inspire the world let your story flow and speaker slam let your spirit

Transcript generated from the recording and lightly cleaned. Some names and wording may differ from the spoken speech.

Transcript

Abandoned, adopted, child sexual abuse, welfare, food stamps, mental health, ADHD, miscarriages, divorced single mother. Little black girl, do you know your worth? As I held my mother's hand, turning it palm up and down, I was curious. I felt insecure doing the same thing with my own hand. Mom, I think God made a mistake. Why are we the same on the inside, but not on the outside? Mom looked confused, but I knew that was when my realization of my adoption story began.

Trauma is something that has been with me since conception. I spent my whole life trying to understand, trying to be okay. I know that life is not always easy, and that's okay. You must accept the wounds and scars of your life. I know that adoption carries with it a lot of burden, a lot of understanding, a lot of anxiety. But that's okay. You must accept this path. When I was a little girl, we moved all the time. My childhood was full of trauma.

By the fifth grade, I had changed eight different schools. You know, that's even cool. I could be a new version of Kalisha at every new school. I could appear as I wanted to be seen. I could have been a leader. I could be smart. I could be anyone, and no one could take that away from me. When I was a little girl, my mother struggled with severe depression and mental health issues. At some point, she was hospitalized. Later, my parents divorced, and our lives began to go downhill.

We lived on welfare, in poverty, and on food stamps. We were surrounded by alcohol and drugs. It was a part of my life that I tried to hide. Reinventing myself at each new school was what I aspired to be because I could appear as I wanted to be seen. Later, when I was 16, I remember my mother suddenly coming up to me and saying, " Kalisha, I think I found your biological sister." I had a Maury Povich-style moment. "You are the father."

I hid this information for several years because it couldn't be that simple. Eventually, I arranged a meeting with my biological sisters and mother. I remember driving with my mom in the car, and so many thoughts were racing through my head. Aspiration, happiness, resentment, anxiety and hope. Mom looked at me, hugged me and said, " You'll be fine, little one." Holding hands, we walked to the door and knocked, and I was greeted by my sisters. And then I saw her. I saw my biological mother.

I knew it was her. I approached this woman. She stood up and looked at me intently. Do you know what she said? "Hello, Callisto, where have you been? In Mexico?" I was stunned. This should not have been the case at all. This was not the moment I was waiting for. I took a deep breath and reminded myself that this woman suffers from a serious mental illness. It's not her fault. And from that moment on, I knew that it was up to me what the next step would be.

It's the same on the outside, but different on the inside. It took me so much courage and strength to move forward in life knowing that I am not a product of my circumstances. I can accept these wounds and scars. Everything will be fine if you know that you must accept your truth. You know, rethinking is when you're not attached to your past. It's about embracing your story and your unique path. It's about realizing that you have the power to write your own ending.

Strong, confident, independent, loving mother, good daughter. Little black girl, know your worth. Thank you.

Transcript generated from the recording and lightly cleaned. Some names and wording may differ from the spoken speech.