Kristin Light

Transcript

hi i'm lovely thanks no no i'm not part of some vintage reenactment and um this delicate do serves one purpose and one purpose only tonight distraction it's foolproof really like clockwork even tonight pals and strangers alike will greet me with some form of your hair or you look like a pin-up and they get lost in memories of that one summer in college when they got really into swing kids i found this really great concealer too it covers dark circles fine lines and all visible signs of depression for up to 12 hours it's a funny thing perception versus reality i'd perfected this well this day-to-day cosplay

is a fabulous extrovert one who hosted big parties and basically jay gatsby my way through adulthood i'd work the room crack the jokes cue the band distraction eyes on the lies the persona the show if they must see me at least let them see something pretty it wasn't until years later after a well rather persistent attempt to take my own life that i finally admitted to a close friend the better i look the worse i'm likely doing i did my best to hide the truth beyond the facade the obsessive thoughts of death the oh my goodness all the different thoughts that i was having and

that deep-seated embarrassment simply for continuing to exist i hated that shirad the hypocrisy but here's the thing about major depression most of us despite vain appearances we'll give just about anything to protect those around us from the one thing we saw as their biggest threat us as though our relentless despair was somehow infectious transferable so many moments and occasions skipped simply because my hair didn't curl right my dress wouldn't twirl right or i just couldn't girl right to meet my own impossible baseline if i wasn't just so then i didn't go but protected by my parasol of aerosol i could float in and out of

social halls like a hollywood chorus mall more scenery than guests at all a satin doll with alcohol but even while devising my own last call my fixation remained on the perception when i died how would i look would i be unsightly who would find me curled up on the whole tile floor beyond a locked hospital door fresh blood staining my sleeves my pulse remained but my perception faded no setting spray no cover up my once jazzy theme song drowned out by an underscored apology hi i'm sorry reality had reached out and sucker punched perception into oblivion gone were the parties the pin curls the persona

stripped of my secret weapon deprived of my disguise week after week left only with the truth here i was a two-month-long resident in a blissfully calm psychiatric ward nobody agonized over perception here why we were all wearing the same hospital issue blue bathrobe with that velcro closure we saw each other as our beautifully valid actual selves stripped down and i didn't infect anybody now i have nothing against getting gussied up on occasion it's fun but when you finally stop sinking hour after hour manipulating your outsides into a perpetual apology for your insides you get those hours back hours to sleep in for once this [

__ ] takes time hours to brew the good coffee in the morning or hours to just frolic freely about without a single [ __ ] given for the state of your reflection but for me personally hours to reconnect with those truly genuine souls that i'd kept sheltered at arm's length for far too long before they're still there they're always there not for the parties or the persona but patiently waiting to be introduced to the real person they had a hunch was hiding behind all the pretty packaging so hi i'm kristen and it's so wonderful to finally meet me you

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Transcript

i can hear the comments already whoa is that chris she really let herself go okay so no one's ever actually said those words about me and still the the threat of it freeloads in my mind daily what is it about that phrase that holds so much power let herself go yeah we all know how that phrase is usually assigned right and even though science has discovered all sorts of factors that go into determining our body shape the typical narrative remains that any changes must be our own fault so all right i'll admit it i did let myself go but you're forgetting one key word in

that phrase you see i used to dance vintage styles mostly uh professionally competitively nearly 40 years of my life spent on stages just like this one and being in the public eye invited a ton of scrutiny over my appearance occasionally from outside sources but mostly from inside my own distorted noggin i bent over backwards sometimes literally in a feverish attempt to achieve some perceived level of physical perfection punishing myself to master a carefully curated version deemed fit for public consumption that misguided mantra nearly drove me into the ground literally i don't remember much about my 40th birthday but i know how it ended collapsed onto

a plastic covered bed staring across an untouched meal tray at a guard keeping suicide watch by the door that mental breakdown bought me eight weeks under direct psychiatric supervision another two years in outpatient programs and a colorful cocktail of daily medications literally handfuls a day now psych meds notoriously come with a long list of side effects the most fear generally being weight gain 10 15 pounds that's typical on these sorts of pills but lucky me it turns out i'm not typical no despite all efforts to the contrary i ended up with a whopping 75. 75 pounds that's like piggybacking an eight-year-old yes of course it

shows these battle muffins are practically visible from space i can't hide them behind a cinched a-line anymore i went from a pear to an apple to a freaking papaya in record time every day a new reflection like 50 first dates with my own waistline and look i'd be lying if i said the transition's been easy i fought it hard nearly three years of my life following personalized diet plans rigorous physical training but the pounds piled on anyway i was constantly replacing my wardrobe one month's comfy fat pants were the next months too tight discard pile if it weren't for these adjustable wrap dresses i'd probably

never leave the house so i get it i get how assumptions could be made here trading in my tight dancer's physique for these ever expanding curves could raise some eyebrows and it should because thanks to the very medications that caused this metabolic metamorphosis i'm still here i could have died in that hospital four years ago i certainly tried hard enough to sawing deep into my own wrists with the sharpest object i could access in the word plastic butter knife stolen from breakfast but thanks to some incredible nurses and the right chemical cocktail i'm still here i'm still alive and standing on this stage in all

my voluptuous glory so yes i did let myself go but remember that one little word i said was missing from that phrase on i let myself go on i let myself live so yeah i gained i gained a second chance at happiness i gained an opportunity to heal this body may have changed but i have grown grown like a freaking tree where every ring around my middle is a year i've gotten back and every scar carved into my wrist it marks a day i have fought and these every inch on these thighs drives my roots deeper into this exhilarating existence and the only price i

had to pay for this unimaginable gift was this bodacious booty hell yeah 10 out of 10 would buy again so make your comments bring it i wouldn't change a damn thing about my glorious sequel because i would rather be here in this life with a few extra pounds than not here at all you

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Transcript

in my childhood home music was everywhere my dad had been a musician and a music lover since he was a school boy and he passed that same fanatical love onto my siblings and me we read music long before we read novels and we happily played our part in the family band i started off butchering the recorder but thankfully graduated to the rhythm section performing together was fun but my favorite was dad's old record player no don't touch the grooves kiss a bit just keep your hands on the edges i don't think i ever took a single breath while holding one of his records i was

so terrified of scratching them as a clumsy kid i only ever had plastic cassettes in my room but dad's vinyl collection filled our whole house with an incredible range of melodies i was in awe of my dad he was so creative and talented i know it's sort of cliche to say that little girls dream of finding husbands that remind them of their dads but i really did so much so that at barely 19 i was so deep into the swooning fantasy of a new musician in my life that i barely noticed the record scratched to a halt my dad my hero my idol had done

something so heinous so incredibly unforgivable that his kid evolved to minor in my eyes he was still my father but he was unrecognizable to me as my dad for years after we tiptoed on insincere eggshells going through the motions while emotions remained hidden avoided silenced record skipped over that scratch replaying the same few notes again and again it was unforgivable it would drone he was unforgivable i heard that same refrain on endless repeat and so deep had the new groove carved it i soon forgot how the song had begun had it been a happy one did it even really matter my hero had changed the

tune rewritten the lyrics is there even a place for me anymore any rhythm worth keeping my dad's crime his great injustice worthy of silencing a lifetime of memories he fell in love amidst the veritable symphony of happenstance he met someone new i didn't quite take my mother's side in their divorce i i didn't take anyone's side really i simply ran i blamed him for every infidelity every instability every inharmonious moment of my solo life he was unforgivable wasn't he 25 years have passed and i'm now nearly exactly the age that my dad was back then time is a powerful conductor i can't pick out a

single profound moment but at some point i just stopped staring at that needle skipping over the scratch that he may have started years ago but i deepened and i realized that while the song may be unplayable the whole album wasn't i am my own life's dj after all and i can flip that record over i did and it was beautiful the crescendo welcomed the return of joy of possibility of insight and opportunity an opportunity to know each other not as the idolized figureheads but as the richly complex heart-centered people we've both grown into do i forgive him turns out i don't have to time can

guide perspective away from emotion and without all those callow notes i can finally see my dad as the truly sincere loving man he is he didn't silence our song he simply brought in the band and i'm so grateful for this new era in which our music plays again this is our coda our b side and i have a hunch it's gonna be a big hit you

Transcript generated from the recording and lightly cleaned. Some names and wording may differ from the spoken speech.

Transcript

do you remember the old Blockbuster Video stores back in the days of VHS my siblings and I would roam the aisles looking at all the shiny colorful movie art on display we'd make a selection and when we got the movie home the video cassette had a yellow and blue sticker on it that read please be kind and rewind rewind now I didn't know back then but that word would turn out to be very poignant to me in time both for what it stood for and for who was with me in those seemingly innocent moments because you see years later after nearly a decade of painful

depression I broke I couldn't take the constant agony and I wanted out out of my miserable existence out of my carefully curated world and away from the pain I broke I suffered a complete mental health breakdown on my 40th birthday and found myself locked in a hospital psych ward with bandages around both my wrists now when you get that one-way ticket to the loony bin they bring you in as is with just the clothes on your back and your personal effects reduced to a single ziplock bag I had nothing I had no toiletries no toothbrush not even a change of underwear I had absolutely nothing

I refused to eat and I just laid there in the darkness for two days it was the lowest and most alone I have ever felt three days later the social worker managed to find me some clothes and brought them to me they belonged to a former patient a large man I would say because I stood there in a baggy black sweatshirt hood up baggy black pants slung low around my hips revealing the waistband of white men's boxer briefs I looked like Justin Bieber I looked ridiculous and I have never felt less like myself than I did in that moment but then there was Gordon my

older brother a traveling musician who just happened to be travelling through my hometown that week and he stopped in to my semi-private hospital room and when he walked in i broke down immediately I never thought I'd see him again I never thought I'd see anyone again to be honest at least that was the original intention he was carrying a dollar store shopping bag and proceeded to pull out items one by one for me t-shirts a toothbrush coloring books and pencil crayons and a notebook this notebook he handed me a blue gel pen and said I figured this might help you remembered as a child I

used to keep a diary I wrote in it faithfully every night I wrote about my fears and my joys about my school crushes and my first kiss I wrote in it every night detailing my very life from when I was 8 years old until my early 20s I wrote so much that I amassed a large box full of these little notebooks it got lost in and move along the way and I forgot all about it but Gordon remembered that journal became a lifeline to me in recovery I used to sit in the window sill of the Warren common room and just let the words flow

out I went through pen after pen using up every drop of ink to make sure that my innermost feelings no matter how dark got put down onto that paper it was so freeing so cathartic it brought me back to a simpler time a time of wonder and curiosity of self-discovery and childlike innocence it allowed me to rewind now to Gordon that might have been just a notebook but to me his act of kindness opened the door to a path of healing I couldn't even imagine was possible and it's partly thanks to him my big brother that I'm still here today sharing my story I can't

wait for our next movie night he can pick the film this time

Transcript generated from the recording and lightly cleaned. Some names and wording may differ from the spoken speech.