Rimshah Ahmed

Transcript

Dinner is served, called mom. And in the same breath, turn the lights out. TURN THEM OUT. GET DOWN on the ground. On the ground. And the night sky lit up with gunshots, grenades, and jet planes. This was daily life. I grew up in occupied Kashmir where mothers learned to hush their children not because they were misbehaving but because soldiers were nearby where going into hiding was survival where silence was safety. I learned early that to be safe I had to be quiet.

What I didn't realize though was that silence also keeps you invisible. Well, my voice isn't so small anymore. You see, I've been on stages talking about the very things that have kept me invisible. And if there's anything I leave as legacies that I gave voice to not just my own struggles, but also paved paths for others to walk on, that little girl from Kashmir would probably look at me now and say, "So, we're not hiding anymore?" And here I am today giving my voice to something very important.

Two years ago, October 2023, I stared at my phone screen, watching bombs take residential buildings out, watching bodies in rubble, watching people looking for their families, watching babies bombed to bits so people couldn't even gather all parts of them in plastic bags. This wasn't Kashmir this time. It was Gaza. I watched in disbelief, scrolling, maybe imagining if I refresh the page enough times, the reality would change. It didn't. I couldn't take my kids to an arcade without hearing echoes of explosions in the flashing lights.

I couldn't eat without tasting guilt. I became desperate. Protests, prayers, boycotting. I cried in rallies, walking with people, chanting, "Free, free Palestine." [snorts] It was only a month into this and I had been selected as a wild card for speaker splam. But how could I be part of a competition while a protest rally was just outside these very doors? I had a ticket to Grand Slam 2023, but didn't attend from sheer guilt. Amid all this, Amy reached out, the first person to check in on me.

Amy is proudly Jewish, and I am proud to call her my friend. Her words felt like relief because in a world trying to divide us, she reminded me that compassion is human. But then I saw the video that broke me to the core. A man holding the body of his granddaughter, six-year-old Ree. She looks so much like my daughter. Same eyes, same cheeks, same innocence. Khaled, her grandfather, was fixing her hair, opening her tiny eyes, kissing them gently as if he could wake her up.

My insides refused to stay in. I covered my mouth and screamed. [screaming and crying] And when the tears stopped, something inside me hardened. Not in anger but in conviction. I reached out to a mentor and after a long conversation with Dr. Spencer, I realized that I had to live in my own world while at the same time give voice to those who need it. Because the powers who want to control us do so by keeping us fearful, divided, and silent. I knew I had to speak out.

So I started at the start. I signed up for speaker slam again. This time when I signed up for the initial round, I already knew I would be talking about Gaza on the Grand Slam stage. And here I am. There is nothing more important for me than to speak up about the genocide, the ethnic cleansing still going on is in Palestine today. Almost 70,000 killed, almost 2 million displaced. They say legacy is what you leave behind when you're gone. But legacy only comes from what you do while you are still here.

My voice is my legacy and the choice to use it even when and especially when silence would be safer. The question today is how are you using your voice? What will you tell your grandchildren about the history you made in this time? What will your legacy be? Thank you.

Transcript generated from the recording and lightly cleaned. Some names and wording may differ from the spoken speech.

Transcript

I built bricks with ashes that covered my soul at school job, life. I was never good enough. I built myself up around what everyone else wanted of me and became everyone else's version of enough. Quiet, kind, pleasant, helpful, hoping they would choose me, that I would be good enough for them. Far from being accepted, I became small and invisible, masked. People began underestimating me. But whatever was dished out, I learned to transmute it. The negativity, the rejection, the mockery, I made positive meaning of it all.

I became a pro at finding the silver lining. Coming from a childhood lived in war, mental health troubles magnified by neuro diversions I've broken down numerous times. Let's just say that my life has more plot twists than a Netflix series. But a few years ago, I broke again. This time in one deep fracture. I came home from a meeting with people I had given my heart and life to. years lived in an illusion of acceptance. I learned that I was never enough for them.

Something shattered. I lay in bed for two days, stared at walls, blank, hollow, breathless breath escapes, nerves, nerve endings, feeling endless, nervous energy. I can't live to please the world anymore. I can't be this person anymore. And who was I if I wasn't this person? Next morning, Mother's Day, I lay in bed for half the day, limp, lifeless. But the underdog in me started fighting back. You can't stay down. You can't stay down. I got up, got dressed, got in the car, and drove to the cemetery.

There I sat. Warm sun, gentle breeze on my skin. Stared at graves, tombstones, names etched into silence. I will be here too one day. So if this life is mine, it has to be mine. That night, I went to wish my mom a happy Mother's Day. She looked at me with tears in her eyes and anger in her quiet voice. What was so difficult that you couldn't wish me? A volcano erupted. I've done everything to make everyone happy. I can't do it anymore.

I'm empty. I'm done. I won't do it anymore. Mama is the only person besides my partner who felt safe enough to say all this out loud, too. And here was the rise of the underdog. Hungrier than ever before to live free. People pleasing no more, abandoning myself no more. I burnt away the masks, transmuted the pain, built bricks with ashes that covered my soul. A home in the valley of death. For we all go one day, but till we do, we live in homes made of bricks, bricks made of ashes.

For the first time in my life, I was going to be full and enough to live as wholeheartedly as I was made to. To live, to give, to do, to be because I wasn't doing it for anyone else anymore. This underdog today is a spoken word poet, a public speaker, a TEDex speaker. I am an advocate for mental health and human rights. I've climbed Mount Everest base camp, gone skydiving and scuba diving. I run a public speaking program for women and children and run a community support group for mothers of neurodeivergent children.

I am powerful. And I'm only getting started. Burn it all down. The not enoughness, the fears, the rejection. Build yourself a grand home with the ashes or a castle if you will. People will underestimate you. Let them. And then let them watch you rise.

Transcript generated from the recording and lightly cleaned. Some names and wording may differ from the spoken speech.

Transcript

cocooned in Wales those who knew me knew me first for my hair they then knew me for my smile they then knew me for my voice and lack thereof I am none of these anymore I had to let my old self die transformation you see requires space so Death Becomes necessary Letting Go becomes a prerequisite we experience minor Transformations every day the culmination of these Transformations sometimes leads to an extraordinary change last year was this sort of a transformative year for me while researching for my son's potential diagnosis I learned about ADHD attention deficit hyperactivity disorder and I realized I was reading about myself for

someone who rarely speaks always smiles and is probably the calmest person you'll ever meet well was it my head someday there are that many stories alive and potent that just the sheer volume and speed could overwhelm you ADHD impacts executive functioning there is people pleasing hyper-focused time blindness time my enemy I let's see if I finish the speech in time daydreaming again my mom would often say this to me as a child sometimes poking fun at me and sometimes in sheer annoyance and I still kept dreaming cocooned in rails my life was a stage and I had incredible stage fright and quite literally too but

you wouldn't know that you'd see a smile my mask to keep me safe I carried this shining internal trophy for a life lived for others I gave until there was nothing left of me that trophy broke last year I had spoken up for the first time in my life for myself and for people I loved but what would you know I was met with manipulation lies a whole facade broke not theirs mine I had given up my power to everyone all my life I lay in bed for two days questioning my existence at the end of the second day I drove to the cemetery sat

there stared at graves felt the breeze I buried myself old self that day just didn't know it my entire life was coming into perspective my entire life was coming into perspective you see I had been managing okay until I had children but my coping mechanism started giving way as I became a mom responsible for other lives I would wonder how do I save them how do I save them how do I save them how do I save them I couldn't even save me breaths Less Breath escapes nerves nerve endings feeling and less nervous energy and the smile stop go pacing step touch breath pacing endlessly

during one of my routine pregnancy appointments with my doctor I told the doctor I think I have depression he looked at me and without a blink said oh don't worry he's probably just baby blues so my depression linked directly to my ADHD was never even assessed until I tried to end my life and ended up in the hospital was I masking so well people policing lying essentially to the whole world but also myself well this is how it works out I was trying to fit into a world made for neurotypical people and I wasn't one but know that was a butterfly trying to be a

be a fisherman of the failure but I wasn't I Was Made to Fly now I don't try to fit in I am your Divergent but that's not all I am my superpowers like that of Einstein Da Vinci Jim Carrey are so partially because of this brain wiring they call it the hunter Gene today I stand here in my power knowing my value and my weaknesses without reservations I am whole I am whole last year was a climax if you will of my entire life coming to this extraordinary transformation so let me ask you what do you need to let go of of to be as

big as you are cocooned in Wales leave those cocoons that hold hostage your wings transform butterflies unravel fly

Transcript generated from the recording and lightly cleaned. Some names and wording may differ from the spoken speech.